Random thoughts on parenting a toddler.

There’s no real rhyme or reason for this post, it’s just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating around in my head. Scattered thoughts are all I can amount to lately as my brain feels fried and my motivation seems unusually low. Perhaps it is because all things Christmas have taken over my brain. But nonetheless, I have a few thoughts on being a parent to a toddler that I’d like to share with you.

When you’re a parent to a toddler, life changes. For one, I can’t pee alone. Ever. It’s like the second I close the bathroom door, a little alarm goes off in her ear and she’s alerted to my desire for privacy. Privacy? What’s that? Definitely not something that makes sense to a toddler! It’s almost as if they remember living inside your body for a year and as a result feel as though mommy’s body is like common-law property – they own 50% and therefore can have access to it whenever they please. Privacy be damned. Besides, she came out of that hoo-ha, so why does Mommy think she needs to hide it? I’m sure in her head she’s thinking “Hey, you get to hover over me while I try sitting on this thing you call a potty. Isn’t it fun when the tables are turned?” Sigh. I just want to pee alone sometimes.

I’ve also learned to lower my standard of “clean”. Clean before kids and clean after kids, are two VERY different kinds of clean. It always looks as though some form of atomic bomb has gone off in my place. It’s a constant battle. Every time I try to put a toy away, she cries, grabs it out of the toy box and throws it back onto precisely the same section of floor I retrieved it from. It’s pointless to pick up unless she’s in bed and can’t physically bear witness to us sacrificing her doll’s life by throwing it in the “toy box of death”. Heaven forbid I put her in a cute outfit, or she’s doing something hilarious I’d like to take a picture of – I have to search for a clean section of the house to take the picture from so that I can post the pic on Facebook without people thinking we live in a home that exploded toddler paraphernalia.

I’ve also caught myself talking to my child as if she is a parrot. You know how you tell a parrot “Say Hello!”, “Say, Polly wanna cracker”, etc. That’s how my day goes. “Say thank you!”, “Say Bye Gramma!”, “Say Please”, blah blah blah. Sometimes I wonder if it’d be easier if our toddler’s were little ventriloquist dummies, and we could get them to just move their mouths while we do the talking for them. That’s essentially what I feel like I’m doing all damn day. Living life on repeat, trying to get my kid to say the right things at the right times, and to be courteous. They’re at the cusp of language development, and as a result, Mommy’s sentences have turned into a newfangled toddler language I like to refer to as “Toddlerish” (Toddler + English = Toddlerish).

I resort to bribery. A lot. Especially at dinner time. When L won’t eat, I find myself saying “Will you eat supper if I put on Pingu?”. I’m always (ALWAYS) greeted with an emphatic “yes!”. So Pingu goes on, and L eats. It’s almost magical. It’s amazing how she’s learned to control Mommy and Daddy already into getting to watch cartoons at dinner time. Sigh. L = 1, Mommy =0. Then there’s me being a parrot and repeating the same thing over and over again at the dinner table. “L, please eat your dinner. One bite please. Just one more bite”. Almost every single time I say that I’m greeted with either “No!” or by her grinning at me and drinking water instead. L = 2, Mommy = 0.

There are probably a million more I’m missing, but like I said, my brain is fried and my thoughts are scattered. That’ll get better in 16 years, right?

Sigh. She’s lucky she’s cute.

“Mommy didn’t poop sweetie….”

As you may have read in my last post, this past week has been rough on me. From mourning, to funeral planning, to attending the service, I’ve been kind of wrapped up in all things sad lately.THANKFULLY I have a little one who is determined to see everyone around her be happy. I thought I’d share a few things that happened this week that brightened up my life, made me laugh, embarrassed me, and make me realize that she’s more than just my little L – she’s my world.

– On Friday, when I was all sad and depressed, I had moments where I just sat on the couch and cried. I couldn’t snap out of it. At one point, L looked at me from across the room and said “Mommy?”. She came over, climed up onto my lap, placed her little hands on either side of my face, smiled and said “Mommy, happy please?”. Remember that scene from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” where his heart grew three sizes that day? That’s pretty much what happened to me right then and there. I was bursting with love for this little human being – a little human being that I still look at from time to time and think to myself “I can’t believe she used to be inside me and popped out of my vagina”. How weird is that!?

– Ok so I don’t know about your kids, but my little L can fart – a lot! Sometimes it is hard to tell if she farted or pooped, so I usually follow up with a phrase that goes something like “Hey L, did you poop or did you fart?”. And she’ll answer me “poop” or “fart”. Well mid week, when the stress of planning things had kind of culminated, I threw my back out – badly! I was fairly crippled, and when I woke up one morning I was lying on the couch on an ice pack with L at the other end watching Pingu (her new obsession!). Well at the sake of embarassing myself fully, I can’t leave this part of the story out. I farted. Rather loudly. It was actually pretty epic. Well L turned to me and giggled. Then I heard it – “Mommmmmy…… Mommy poop?”. I just about died with laughter, but could you blame her? My fart was really big, and if I had to draw it, it would likely resemble the fart in that Robert Munsch book “Good Families Don’t”.

In case you can’t tell, the fart is the green guy on the left.

– L came with me the day of the visitation, service and reception. I was really glad to have her there, because I knew having my little love around would help to stave off some of the sadness and awkwardness of the day. Boy was I right! There were a few key moments that day that I loved. My Dad gave a beautiful eulogy – he really did an amazing job and was stronger than I could have ever been. You know how when people give eulogy’s, they often speak of memories they have? Some of those memories are funny, but nobody laughs really loudly – just an under the breath soft chuckle. Well my Dad had a moment like that. There was a quiet hum of muffled chuckles, when my L stood up in the pew and did a huge belly laugh – “HAHAHAHAHA ohhhhh Pop!”. The place broke out into laughter, my Dad turned to her (at the microphone) and said “Thank you for getting my joke L” with a smile. He later told me she was the reason he was able to get through his speech.

– There was another emotional moment when people around were fighting stifled tears. L again, stood up in the pew (leaning into me), looked at me and whispered “Mommy, happy?”. I told her I was very happy that she was there beside me. So she turned to everyone, put on her big girl voice and proclaimed “Hey! Happy, happy, happy please!!!”. Tears turned to smiles, and sadness turned to giggles. My little L hates seeing a world of sadness, and has proclaimed to everyone in the room that we should all be happy. That is what funerals should be really about anyway – to celebrate a life. A time to look back on happy memories. She reminded me just that.

Life with a toddler can be hard as hell. It is tiring, emotional, and you can feel like someone has you set on ‘repeat’ every single day because you say the same damn things 75 times in a row before they finally clue in that you’re even speaking. It is challenging, confusing, chaotic and mind-numbing when you have to watch Pingu 37 times in a row.

But weeks like these make you realize they are smarter than you give them credit for. They are intuitive little buggers, and can sense when you need a hug, a smile, or to be asked if you pooped your pants.

I’ve never been happier to say “No, Mommy didn’t poop…she farted”.

I’ve never been happier to be her Mommy.

Motherhood confessionals…the proposal

Last night, I was a bad Mom. I’m going to partially blame it on a new medication I’m on that has left me anxious, irritable, kind of depressed and snappy. (I have an appointment on Thursday to get off of this medication, as it isn’t really working for its intended purpose anyway).

This medication has shortened my emotional fuse immensely, and because of it I snapped at L.

L didn’t want to eat her dinner last night. She spit in on the floor a few times, and pursed her lips tightly closed in refusal to eat. More than once I said rather loudly to the fiance “I’m so done with her! I can’t take her anymore!”. Then when she was still whining and complaining I did the worst. I got right in her face and raised my voice too loudly and harshly and said “That’s ENOUGH! STOP IT!”, all while pointing my pointer finger out right in her face nearly touching her nose.

Instantly I felt regret. Instantly I felt like a failure to her. Instantly, she cried. Not just any cry…an afraid cry. She didn’t understand why Mommy was yelling, and didn’t understand why I was so angry. After all, this isn’t the first dinner time fight we’ve had, but it is the first time I lost my cool.

To be honest, I don’t really understand what made me so angry either.

How could I have done that? That is not my personality. That is not me. I later broke down completely in my bedroom (poor fiance trying unsuccessfully to console me) feeling like I’d failed her as a mother. My bedsheets had a puddle of my tears stained on them. I know that my losing my patience did nothing to better the situation. She still didn’t want to eat supper, only now Mommy was scary, too. I need to get off of this medication…

(I will add that 5 minutes later, I knelt down to her level and apologized to her. I told her she didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way and that Mommy was wrong and sorry. We hugged and kissed it out, and the two of us were good for the rest of the night).

This is way worse than the times I’ve forgotten to pack her a change of clothes when she was younger and she had baby poop explosions all over the one outfit I had for her. It’s way worse than the times I’ve left her in her pyjamas all day at home because Mommy was too lazy to get either of us dressed for the day (all day PJ parties!). And it’s way worse than the time I let her cry in her crib just “one more minute” to see if she’d soothe herself back to sleep because I really didn’t want to get out of bed.

Then it got me thinking. None of us are perfect, right? We all must have some secret confessions we want to make.

So here is my proposal – I want to do a blog post called “Motherhood confessionals”, where I can anonymously share some of our weaker moments. Something you forgot to do, something that makes you feel like you’ve failed, something that you do to get by day to day (like drink wine after the kids go to sleep).

If you’ve got a confession to share, just contact me under my “Suggestions/About” area, and let me know your confession. I will not post your name or blog URL to your confession (unless you’ve given me permission to do so).

I think it would be a great way for all of us Mom’s to see that nobody is perfect, we aren’t alone in our struggles or our failures, and that life does indeed go on.

Hopefully this will work out and we’ll end up with a great (anonymous) confessional post. Oh and Dad’s – if you have a secret confession please feel free to share it as well. Would love to hear from both sides!

Let’s play a game called “Did it make her cry?”

That’s right folks. It’s game time again!

This time the game is called “Did it make her cry?”. So basically I’m going to throw out a real scenario, and you have to guess if my sweet little L cried, or didn’t cry. Let me know how many you got right in the comments section. The winner will get….well nothing. Unless you count pure satisfaction, and the knowledge that you are a toddler expert a prize, then by all means you’re the top banana!

Here we go!!!!

1) After climbing onto our coffee table/ottoman, L forgot she was near the edge and leaned back. This resulted in a surprise fall flat onto her back with a bonk on the head (complete with deflated ego). Did she cry?

2) When Mommy went to pee, L had to be in the bathroom, too. I mean of course she did. What Mom gets to pee alone? But when Mommy was done peeing she flushed the toilet and L didn’t get to wave “bye bye” to Mommy’s pee. Did she cry?

3) Daddy took L to the park! She ran and ran and ran away from Daddy. She ran so fast into the bicycle path, that she fell and scraped her knees and Daddy had to scoop her up and away from the bike path into safety. Did she cry?

4) Looking backwards while running forwards meant that L ran head first into the dining room table. There’s a bruise now. Did she cry?

5) While watching Dora the explorer (Uggh I hate that show), the map came on to show Dora where to go. Did she cry?

6) While watching Daddy play a game, she saw zombies and dragons and monsters. Did she cry?

7) Mommy told L that she couldn’t bring all of her stuffies into the tubby with her. Did she cry?

8) L watched Daddy writhing in pain after she elbow dropped him in the guts while he was lying on the floor. Did she cry?

9) L asked Mommy for some juice. Mommy gave her some juice. Did she cry?

10) Daddy put on his shoes, but then sat in the chair. Did she cry?

Those are the questions to be pondered. Get into your little toddler brains and try and figure out what happened. Are you ready for the answers? Here goes!

1) After falling off of the coffee table, L rolled over and looked at Mama and said “hahahaha uh oh”. She proceeded to get back up onto the table. You could then see she was seriously considering “falling off” again to see if it was funny a second time. Mommy put a stop to that. So the correct answer is: Did not cry. Will also accept: Future in physical comedy.

2) When L couldn’t wave goodbye to Mommy’s pee, mayhem ensued. Mommy clearly didn’t realize that she had an emotional bond to the urine, and taking away the ability to say goodbye to something so special has left her emotionally scarred. Mommy couldn’t bring back the pee….well at least not for an hour or two. So L cried, and cried, and cried some more. So the correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: Needs a new “special friend”.

3) After running away from Daddy, falling in the bicycle path and scraping up both knees, L didn’t cry. However, when Daddy scooped her up to move her to safety (away from the bikers), L lost her cool. Nobody can tell that wild spirit of mine what she can and cannot do. So the correct answer is: Trick question! Didn’t cry from the injury, did cry because she lost her independence.

4) The bonk in the head caused by looking backwards while running forwards into the dining room table resulted in an obviously fake, attention seeking, no real tears cry. It wasn’t real, and after 5 seconds when she realized the world hadn’t ended, she laughed and continued her running race around the house. So the correct answer is: Didn’t cry. Will also accept: “And the Oscar goes to…”

5) That map on Dora is almost as creepy as Dora herself. No wonder she cries when he comes on the screen and runs away! The correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: I cried, too.

6) She may cry when she watches Dora the Explorer, but show her a zombie, monster or dragon and she’s in her element! She does the best zombie impression in the world, and runs around pretending to be a dragon. My kid is the coolest! The correct answer is: Hell no she didn’t cry, she knows where it’s at!

7) When Mommy said the stuffies couldn’t come in the tubby, all hell broke loose. The tubby was the enemy at that point, and she’s a fighter. She would not get in the tub, and when we finally got her in, she stiffened every muscle in protest and refused to sit down. She had a “standing up” tubby that night, and the water level doubled in height by the time we were done with her crocodile tears. So the correct answer is: Cried. Mommy doesn’t understand that stuffies need tubbies, too.

8) After elbow dropping Daddy in the guts, L thought his pain was hilarious. She proceeded to elbow drop him a few more times, gently sit slam down on his belly, and slide down to the floor like Daddy is a human jungle gym. Apparently to L, pain is funny. So the correct answer is: L didn’t cry, but we can’t necessarily say the same for Daddy.

9) Mommy gave her the juice she asked for, but she cried anyway. Mommy still isn’t quite sure why. Maybe she filled up the cup too much? Maybe she used the “wrong” cup? Maybe she had planned to cry regardless of what Mommy did? Who knows. So the correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: Messing with Mommy’s head is fun.

10) Daddy put on his shoes, then sat down in a chair. He didn’t immediately scoop up L and take her out for a walk or for a ride in the car. Can you see the potential problem? Lack of instant gratification! The correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: It’s our own fault for looking more ready to leave the house than we were.

Thanks for playing! How many did you get right?

Don’t forget to like How to Ruin a Toddler’s Day on Facebook! 🙂

Top 5 Strangest/Most Unnecessary Baby Products

Do you ever look at some products out there and have a serious “Oh my God, who would actually buy this?” moment? I do all the time, but I am pretty big on only buying things that I deem actually necessary.

So after perusing the internet tonight (baby L is asleep and my fiance is setting up a PS3 so I actually had some time to play on the net) I found some products that I just had to comment on. Some made me laugh, some made me slap my hand to my forehead in disbelief.

Would love to hear your opinions!

So here we go – My top 5 strangest, most unnecessary baby products of all time!

1) Baby Bangs (www.babybangs.com)

Seriously – WTF.

I mean my little girl was bald for her first 9 months, but it’s a cute baby bald. I never felt the need to Donald Trump her and give her an obviously fake toupee! Who actually looks at her baby and says “I mean she’s kinda cute, but I mean I think she’d be prettier if I could give her a wig”. Way to start your daughter off with a complex right from the get go – you’ve only just been born, and we’re already giving you body image issues. Yay! (BARF!)

2) Temperature Test Duck

While pregnant, I was walking through Babies R Us with someone who spotted this and exclaimed “Wow! What a genius idea! Now you’ll know if the water is too hot!”.

Umm, correct me if I’m wrong, but in the time it takes you to take the duck and put it in the water, wait for the duck to read the temperature, pick it up and turn it over to read the temperature gauge….. could you not have just put your damn hand into the tub and checked it yourself?! Completely unnecessary.

3) Baby Bottom Fan

Baby bum rashes suck. I’ve been there and done that and it is a PAIN IN THE ASS (Haha look at me being punny) to deal with. Any doctor or nurse will tell you that letting your babe air out their tush is crucial to speeding up healing time. But seriously? A baby bottom fan? When my kid is sore and in pain, and doesn’t sit still, I’m not about to put a fan with whirring blades up in there. It’s not like she’d sit still to let me do it anyway. Besides there’s this other thing you can use that will do the same thing for free…. air.

4) Perfume for babies.

ARE. YOU. FOR. REAL?

Seriously. It was recently in the news that Dolce and Gabbana is also releasing a baby perfume, for all those mama’s who are like “Eww I hate the way my baby smells”. Excuse me?
The thing I love most about babies is that baby smell! Their little freshly bathed heads. Besides, who in their right mind is ok with slathering unnecessary chemicals all over their babes skin?

This is just an awful idea all around.

5) Buster ride on vaccuum for toddlers.

Ok when I first saw this, I thought this was so unnecessary and just a marketing ploy. Then I really thought about it. Whoever invented this is actually a GENIUS!

This is probably the only thing on this list I might buy. My kid is obsessed with her little ride on cars. She tries to go all over the house with them. She’s also obsessed with the vaccuum cleaner. Why not combine them, let her “play” and then it’s one less chore for Mommy to do?

“Hey Mama, can I PLEEASE ride my car in the house?”

“Sigh… if you must.”

Mom gets to sit back with a Hershey bar while the kid cleans the house without even knowing it.

Where can I get one of these?