4

Drama, potty training and caterpillar poop.

What a whirlwind few weeks we’ve had. 

Remember in my last post I talked about the potty training hell we’ve been having? Trust me, I can almost guarantee you that my little toddler is more dramatic and stubborn than any other kid out there. I have NO IDEA where she gets that from *cough cough*.

Potty training. It was going okay for a while, then my little L became obsessed with staying dry. OBSESSED! We asked her if she had to pee and we’d hear “No thanks, I’m still dry!”. 

Have I said the word OBSESSED yet?

It was getting bad. Bad to the point that one Sunday she hadn’t peed all morning. I brought her to a baby shower with me that afternoon and she finally peed (with a bit of an accident on the floor) at 3 pm. I was just thrilled she finally peed, and was trying to show her how happy I was. But she was not so thrilled. She was devastated that it was on the floor and her underwear and not in the toilet. Poor little girl had a broken heart. This is where the drama begins. 

She decided she’d never pee again. 

Remeber these? Mr. Men, aren't they?  Well, this perfectly describes my little L.

Remeber these? Mr. Men, aren’t they?
Well, this perfectly describes my little L.

Have I mentioned she’s stubborn?

So the rest of the afternoon went by. No pee. The evening drew in, supper was eaten and beverages consumed. No pee. Time for bed, and still no pee. So I put her in a pull-up and convinced myself I’d wake up to a nice full Huggies waiting to be changed. She was tossing and turning all night, uncomfortable, in pain, but refusing to pee. I woke her up and tried to get her to pee. 

“No thank you. I’m still dry”. 

“L sweetie, Mummy wants you to pee! It would make Mummy so happy! You can pee on the toilet, or in your pull-up or even on the floor. It’s okay to pee sweetie. Just let it out, you’ll feel better”

(Panic drew in on her face, and she erupted in tears) – “No. L is a good girl. L is still dry”. 

My heart broke. How can you make someone pee who wants more than anything to never pee again?

She finally fell back to sleep and I was convinced that if she fell asleep, she’d just let it go and we’d be good by 7 am. 

She woke up still dry, still uncomfortable, pacing the apartment, sitting on the couch and banging her head in frustration. Refusing to eat or drink. Refusing to just frigging pee. 

At 8 am when my Doctor’s office opened, we had reached 17 hours with no pee. WHO THE HELL CAN GO THAT LONG WITHOUT PEEING? Oh wait. My kid can, cause she’s stubborn and refuses to give in to anyone or anything. I called and talked to my doctor who told me not to bother bringing her to him and instead bring her to the local children’s hospital. He worried she’d need to be catheterized. I panicked at the extra pain (above and beyond what she was already feeling) that would cause her. 

So off we went to the local children’s hospital, where we actually got in quite quickly. I think they were fearing UTI, kidney failure, etc. Turns out, she’s just stubborn. The nurse, doctor and I were all trying to convince her, bribe her, encourage her and beg her. No luck. 

961109

Finally, two minutes before the 19 HOUR MARK, she peed. The peeing resulted in hysterics. Screaming, crying, anxiety, actual panic, and pee. It filled the pull-up, and puddled around her feet. The entire nurses station, approximately a dozen people erupted into cheers and applause. They ran over and gave her hugs and high-fives. They gave her a Popsicle, two stickers, and so much praise. The doctor said it isn’t that uncommon in little girls to become obsessed with the new skill of holding their urine, and then forget how to release. 

So we forgot about the underpants for two weeks, and focused on just getting her to pee. Once she was peeing freely again and feeling happy about being able to pee, we decided to revisit the underwear since the Doctor said that her holding so long was actually a sign she was indeed ready to do it.

This past week, we revisited it and we are successful! She’s peeing happily on the toilet, because we told her that her Auntie’s boyfriend (who she is completely in love with) pees on the toilet, too. That’s all the inspiration she apparently needed. Ugh. I’m in trouble with this one if she’s already doing things to please boys. 

Pooping was another story though. She hadn’t pooped since Monday, and I was getting worried. But this afternoon she finally did, and when it came out I nearly died. It was so hard not to break out into laughter after hearing what she said.

“Mommy, look! I’m pooping in the toilet!”

Pause…

“Mommy…it’s long. Like the very hungry poopy calerpitter” (Caterpillar for those who don’t speak toddlerish).

“Mommy! I pooped a calerpitter!!!!”.

So for the rest of the day, she’s been proudly telling people she pooped out a calerpitter. That got me some strange looks at the supermarket. In all honesty, having her in diapers was so much fucking easier.

potty-training

0

Pimples vs. Age Spots. What will win out on my face?

I was always told that when one ages, they come into their own and start to feel much more confident and comfortable in their own skin. Wouldn’t that be nice. 

My skin didn’t seem to get the message. I recently went to the dermatologist for a regular check up on some moles (nothing to speak of, just precautionary) when I showed her a couple of spots on my face that weren’t there before. Melanoma runs in my family, so I am particularly cautious about any new mark that has shown up. So I showed her my areas of concern and got the following response:

“Oh those? Nothing to worry about there. Those are just your typical age spots”. 

AGE SPOTS? WTF! HOW AM I GETTING AGE SPOTS WHEN I STILL HAVE SKIN THAT LOOKS LIKE A TEENAGE KID DECIDED TO SMEAR FRENCH FRY OIL ALL OVER IT? YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PIMPLES AND AGE SPOTS AT THE SAME FRIGGIN’ TIME! 

I left the office feeling like this. 

It’s incomprehensible that my body isn’t getting the message that I’m no longer a teenager, and too am still too damn young to be a Golden Girl (though if I have to get old, I hope my life is like theirs – where’s the cheesecake?). Half of my skin still wants to be a teenager, and the other half thinks I’m an old fart. Ironically enough, I never had any acne as a teenager. I guess I’m a late bloomer. Awesome. 

My face is at war, and I’m honestly not sure which army I’d like to win. I might have to drop a few nuclear weapons onto my face and start from scratch. 

5

If I could act like my toddler…

Some days, being an adult really sucks. Like majorly sucks. There are many times throughout the day where I think to myself – wouldn’t it be awesome if I could express myself the way my toddler does and get away with it? I’m far from the type of person to completely bite my tongue when things upset me, but there are days I really would love to be able to lash out, spaz out, cry, curse, kick, throw myself on the floor and generally give up on everything when shit goes wrong. I realize how ridiculous that would look if you saw an adult acting that way, but I don’t care. Sometimes I just want to be that way.

So, I imagined different scenarios where I think I’d like to be able to act like a toddler.

– Waking up:

L: “Mommy, wake up!”

Me: *Grunt, groan, grumble* “NO! I don’t wanna!!!” (Hides under blanket and becomes dead weight). Wait for someone to physically pick me up and carry me out of bed, but not before I can frantically grab my pillow and blanket and take it out with me. Full pout, grumpy, cranky mess until I get to watch my favourite TV show and generally not have to do anything on my own.

– Getting dressed:

Me: “I don’t wanna wear work clothes!No, no, no! I DO NOT WANT TO WEAR A BRA! I want to stay in my jammies. Fine, I’ll at least put on pants, but I’m not putting on a bra or changing out of my baggy t-shirt. Ugggh, I don’t WANNA look pretty! Fine. But I get to wear a tiara. All day. I don’t care if it embarrasses you, I WANNA WEAR IT!”

– Breakfast:

Me: “Why don’t we have anything to eat?!?! I DON’T WANNA MAKE ANYTHING. *Pout, cross arms, and sit on the floor until someone does it for me*. No, I don’t want cereal, the milk makes it all soggy and gross! I don’t care, I won’t eat it – it tastes like wet, mushy worms when Shreddies get soggy. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”. I don’t want breakfast food for breakfast at all. I want a cookie for breakfast. I WANT A COOKIE!!!”.

– Leaving the house:

Me: “Time for shoes? But I don’t wanna wear socks with them – they make my toes feel all claustrophobic and sweaty! I want to wear my sandals all year. WHY WON’T THE WEATHER STAY NICE?!? It’s not fair! I hate my toes feeling confined. Besides, my socks don’t match my damn tiara! You’re leaving without me? Fine by me, I’ll just stay home and lay on the couch all day! Hahaha. Why are you dragging me to the door? DON’T TOUCH ME! I DONT’ WANT TO WEAR SOCKS!!!”

– Ordering coffee:

Me: “I want a large coffee, but I want it to taste like chocolate, so let’s do half hot chocolate. Mmmm chocolate! Wait, what do you mean your hot chocolate machine is broken?!? IT’S NOT FAIR! *stomp, cry, take off my toe-suffocating sock, ball it up and throw it through the drive through window at the lady denying me hot chocolate*. I HATE YOU AND I HATE LIFE – NOTHING IS FAIR! (Pout, but order a double-double coffee anyway because life without caffeine isn’t tolerable.)

– Bedtime:

Me: Screw it all, fend for your damn selves, I’m tapping out and going to sleep for the next week! The first person to wake me up gets it – and by gets it, I mean does dirty diaper duty for the next month, and had to do all the dishes on top of facing the wrath that is my sleep-deprived self. Good luck!

I’m sure there are a million more I could think of, but I’d be writing for days!

What types of situations make you wish throwing tantrums were acceptable?

2

“Look Mommy!…”

As we’re grocery shopping the other day, L takes off her sunglasses, puts them around her chest/waist and loudly proclaims:

“Look Mommy, I got a bra for my boobies now! I have boobies! I have BOOBIES!!!”.

Thankfully the little old lady beside me thought she was cute. I, however stifled a laugh and tried to hide how mortified I was. Where does she come up with this stuff?

image

Her imagination is pretty incredible, and timely, too. Like at bedtime when she comes out of the bedroom, with a quivering lip, seeming very concerned that she isn’t outside playing with her friend the spider. During the day, spiders are scary, but at night apparently they are friends whose feelings will be hurt that she had to go to bed. Sorry spidey, no luck. That kid is done for the day!

Who needs cable tv, when you’ve got endless entertainment in the form of a toddler!

9

I’m not dead, I’m just planning a wedding!

Holy crap, has it really been since December since I’ve written a post? You must have all thought I kicked the bucket and left this planet.

I assure you, I’m still alive. I’m actually in the midst of planning our wedding, so it’s kind of taken over my life. Plus, my work just moved to a brand new location, and I was in charge of a few big projects (including our grand opening) so needless to say, my spare time has been next to nil.

You can also rest assured that my toddler is wreaking her usual havoc, in her cutesy charming ways. Her vocabulary and sentence formation ability has sky-rocketed which has made for some very interesting conversations lately. I’ll get to those – I promise – but a few people have contacted me lately and asked me what’s been going on since I’ve basically dropped off the face of the blogosphere. Well, here goes…

1) We’re getting married! April 28th, 2015 in JAMAICA! I am beyond excited. It will be my fiance’s first time leaving the country, and L’s first trip on an airplane, so it should be interesting keeping her occupied for the flight. Mom’s/Dad’s who have been there and done that when it comes to in-flight toddler entertainment, PLEASE comment with any tips you’ve got to share. I’m so open to them. I can just see us being “that family” with “that screamy kid” on the flight, so if I can avoid that by any means (besides drugging her lol) I’m up for it!

I can't wait to have my toes in the sand on this beach!

I can’t wait to have my toes in the sand on this beach!

I’m also trying to do this on a budget. Well, as much of a budget as you can when flying to another country. I’m trying to DIY stuff, and access free stuff (cause who doesn’t like free?) and get it done on a dime. So if you know of any beachy themed, turquoise & tangerine DIY stuff, send ’em on over!

2) Remember the “Hypocritical Health Hurdles” series I was writing? Yeah… I know it’s been a while, but I’ve SUCCEEDED!!! I’ve lost 21 pounds to date (my goal was 20 pounds), including 3.5 inches from my waist. It’s actually reached a point where other people are starting to notice the changes, and I’m feeling pretty great! I may not be at my ideal weight (that’d be another 20 more pounds…uggh), but I’ve lost it and kept it off, so now I know I can do it! Yay! Plus, I still treat myself to a drive-thru fast food meal, or pizza, or something grease-laden and sweet and awful for me every now and then, so I’m not feeling completely deprived and off my rocker. The big bonus for me? I’ve picked up a few nice sundresses and things for when we go to Jamaica, and they’re not plus-sized! I’m back into regular sized clothes now, from regular stores, and can pick it off the rack! I will never be a size small, and I don’t want to be. I’d like to keep my boobs, my butt, and my curves. Though I do like that now I can keep that curvy look, with a decreased health risk. Overall, I’m feeling pretty great about my success!

Finally!

Finally!

 

3) I wish I knew how to cut my own hair. I’m in desperate need for a haircut. I’m talking a minimum of 6 inches cut off, but it just isn’t in the “mommy budget”. Sigh. Not really an exciting thing to report, but it’s on my mind constantly and every time I look in the mirror. I feel like a fresh new cut/look to go with my fresh new weight loss success would lift my spirits pretty high. Time to save the dollars I guess.

 

Alright, well that’s the life update as for now, so on to the stuff that keeps me giggling every day when it comes to my girl. To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement.

– L loves to shop. If you ever gave her a choice as to where she wants to go, she’ll almost always say Walmart. I’m not sure why she loves Walmart so much, but now my goal as a parent is to make sure she doesn’t grow up to end up on that people of Walmart website. Have you been there? Basically it’s a website dedicated to posting pictures of people who are spotted at Walmart, wearing clothes to…”impress”. If it were up to L, she’d be in Walmart all day, every day so I don’t want her to turn into the Walmart Creature Feature lol. They aren’t the most fashionable to say the least. Check it out! http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

– The other day, while in Walmart (maybe I do go there too frequently… am I one of those people?!), L was seated in the front of the cart when she started caressing my chest area and trying to pull my shirt down. It was a fight to keep the girls contained. She kept saying “Mommy, boobies under there. Boobies are hiding! Come out, come out wherever you are Mommy’s boobies!”. If you’ve met my L, you’d also know that she doesn’t understand the concept of an indoor voice, so we were drawing some unwelcome attention. This type of thing occurs regularly. Fun.

– On a cuter note, L wished me a Happy Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day, and every single day since. I’ve stopped reminding her that Mother’s day is over, because frankly, I like being celebrated.

– POTTY TRAINING IS HELL!!! We were having success for such a long time, then she was having some bowel issues. It took a few trips to a pediatrician, followed by some elimination diets to determine she has a lactose sensitivity, which explained the control issues she was having. Now that we have it sorted, we went back to the potty. NO FRIGGIN’ LUCK! I’ve tried sticker charts, bribing with candy, getting rid of pull ups completely and letting her wet her underwear to see if that will help her to learn the “I have to go” signal, etc. She’s TOO DAMN STUBBORN! Our conversations go something like this:

Me: “L, are you pooping sweetie? Let’s go to the potty to finish so we can have a treat!”

L: “Ummm, no thank you. You change my bum!” (she then runs and hides. At least she declines politely, right?)

Me: (trying to remind her the potty is nothing to cry about) “L, remember what we say for the potty? What do we say?”

L: “Happy potty, happy candy!” (basically a short version of if she sits happily on the potty she gets a candy – not a big one, I’m talking like one m&m – which she seems excited about till she sees the potty, then crosses her arms, pouts, and takes off running).

This pretty much sums up her attitude...

This pretty much sums up her attitude…

Or this version:
L: “Mommy, my bum hurts! Owie! Rash!”

Me: “L, you have a rash because you’re in pull-ups. If you used the potty, your bum wouldn’t get rashy and hurt!”

L: “NO THANK YOU! NO POTTY! NO UNDERWEAR! YOU CHANGE MY PULLUP!”

Now I know people are going to say that maybe she just isn’t ready, but I don’t think that’s the case. She was using it successfully until the lactose intolerance problem caused a lack of control for her movements and we needed to use the pull up for security purposes for a period of about 4-5 months. She’s reverted backwards, and I can’t pull her out of it. FML. If I never hear the word potty again, it will be too soon.

How are the rest of you doing? It’s been so long, I feel like I’m practically writing for strangers again! I think I need to get someone to start harassing me on a weekly basis so I don’t fall off the bandwagon again. I miss this place.

11

Random thoughts on parenting a toddler.

There’s no real rhyme or reason for this post, it’s just a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating around in my head. Scattered thoughts are all I can amount to lately as my brain feels fried and my motivation seems unusually low. Perhaps it is because all things Christmas have taken over my brain. But nonetheless, I have a few thoughts on being a parent to a toddler that I’d like to share with you.

toddler code

When you’re a parent to a toddler, life changes. For one, I can’t pee alone. Ever. It’s like the second I close the bathroom door, a little alarm goes off in her ear and she’s alerted to my desire for privacy. Privacy? What’s that? Definitely not something that makes sense to a toddler! It’s almost as if they remember living inside your body for a year and as a result feel as though mommy’s body is like common-law property – they own 50% and therefore can have access to it whenever they please. Privacy be damned. Besides, she came out of that hoo-ha, so why does Mommy think she needs to hide it? I’m sure in her head she’s thinking “Hey, you get to hover over me while I try sitting on this thing you call a potty. Isn’t it fun when the tables are turned?” Sigh. I just want to pee alone sometimes.

I’ve also learned to lower my standard of “clean”. Clean before kids and clean after kids, are two VERY different kinds of clean. It always looks as though some form of atomic bomb has gone off in my place. It’s a constant battle. Every time I try to put a toy away, she cries, grabs it out of the toy box and throws it back onto precisely the same section of floor I retrieved it from. It’s pointless to pick up unless she’s in bed and can’t physically bear witness to us sacrificing her doll’s life by throwing it in the “toy box of death”. Heaven forbid I put her in a cute outfit, or she’s doing something hilarious I’d like to take a picture of – I have to search for a clean section of the house to take the picture from so that I can post the pic on Facebook without people thinking we live in a home that exploded toddler paraphernalia.

evil-toddler-long-term-plan-funny-picture

I’ve also caught myself talking to my child as if she is a parrot. You know how you tell a parrot “Say Hello!”, “Say, Polly wanna cracker”, etc. That’s how my day goes. “Say thank you!”, “Say Bye Gramma!”, “Say Please”, blah blah blah. Sometimes I wonder if it’d be easier if our toddler’s were little ventriloquist dummies, and we could get them to just move their mouths while we do the talking for them. That’s essentially what I feel like I’m doing all damn day. Living life on repeat, trying to get my kid to say the right things at the right times, and to be courteous. They’re at the cusp of language development, and as a result, Mommy’s sentences have turned into a newfangled toddler language I like to refer to as “Toddlerish” (Toddler + English = Toddlerish).

tumblr_m9l02s7ad81qery84

I resort to bribery. A lot. Especially at dinner time. When L won’t eat, I find myself saying “Will you eat supper if I put on Pingu?”. I’m always (ALWAYS) greeted with an emphatic “yes!”. So Pingu goes on, and L eats. It’s almost magical. It’s amazing how she’s learned to control Mommy and Daddy already into getting to watch cartoons at dinner time. Sigh. L = 1, Mommy =0. Then there’s me being a parrot and repeating the same thing over and over again at the dinner table. “L, please eat your dinner. One bite please. Just one more bite”. Almost every single time I say that I’m greeted with either “No!” or by her grinning at me and drinking water instead. L = 2, Mommy = 0.

There are probably a million more I’m missing, but like I said, my brain is fried and my thoughts are scattered. That’ll get better in 16 years, right?

Sigh. She’s lucky she’s cute.

17

“Mommy didn’t poop sweetie….”

As you may have read in my last post, this past week has been rough on me. From mourning, to funeral planning, to attending the service, I’ve been kind of wrapped up in all things sad lately.THANKFULLY I have a little one who is determined to see everyone around her be happy. I thought I’d share a few things that happened this week that brightened up my life, made me laugh, embarrassed me, and make me realize that she’s more than just my little L – she’s my world.

– On Friday, when I was all sad and depressed, I had moments where I just sat on the couch and cried. I couldn’t snap out of it. At one point, L looked at me from across the room and said “Mommy?”. She came over, climed up onto my lap, placed her little hands on either side of my face, smiled and said “Mommy, happy please?”. Remember that scene from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” where his heart grew three sizes that day? That’s pretty much what happened to me right then and there. I was bursting with love for this little human being – a little human being that I still look at from time to time and think to myself “I can’t believe she used to be inside me and popped out of my vagina”. How weird is that!?

grinch heart small

– Ok so I don’t know about your kids, but my little L can fart – a lot! Sometimes it is hard to tell if she farted or pooped, so I usually follow up with a phrase that goes something like “Hey L, did you poop or did you fart?”. And she’ll answer me “poop” or “fart”. Well mid week, when the stress of planning things had kind of culminated, I threw my back out – badly! I was fairly crippled, and when I woke up one morning I was lying on the couch on an ice pack with L at the other end watching Pingu (her new obsession!). Well at the sake of embarassing myself fully, I can’t leave this part of the story out. I farted. Rather loudly. It was actually pretty epic. Well L turned to me and giggled. Then I heard it – “Mommmmmy…… Mommy poop?”. I just about died with laughter, but could you blame her? My fart was really big, and if I had to draw it, it would likely resemble the fart in that Robert Munsch book “Good Families Don’t”.

In case you can't tell, the fart is the green guy on the left.

In case you can’t tell, the fart is the green guy on the left.

– L came with me the day of the visitation, service and reception. I was really glad to have her there, because I knew having my little love around would help to stave off some of the sadness and awkwardness of the day. Boy was I right! There were a few key moments that day that I loved. My Dad gave a beautiful eulogy – he really did an amazing job and was stronger than I could have ever been. You know how when people give eulogy’s, they often speak of memories they have? Some of those memories are funny, but nobody laughs really loudly – just an under the breath soft chuckle. Well my Dad had a moment like that. There was a quiet hum of muffled chuckles, when my L stood up in the pew and did a huge belly laugh – “HAHAHAHAHA ohhhhh Pop!”. The place broke out into laughter, my Dad turned to her (at the microphone) and said “Thank you for getting my joke L” with a smile. He later told me she was the reason he was able to get through his speech.

– There was another emotional moment when people around were fighting stifled tears. L again, stood up in the pew (leaning into me), looked at me and whispered “Mommy, happy?”. I told her I was very happy that she was there beside me. So she turned to everyone, put on her big girl voice and proclaimed “Hey! Happy, happy, happy please!!!”. Tears turned to smiles, and sadness turned to giggles. My little L hates seeing a world of sadness, and has proclaimed to everyone in the room that we should all be happy. That is what funerals should be really about anyway – to celebrate a life. A time to look back on happy memories. She reminded me just that.

funny-picture-happy-hour-is-a-nap-600x455

Life with a toddler can be hard as hell. It is tiring, emotional, and you can feel like someone has you set on ‘repeat’ every single day because you say the same damn things 75 times in a row before they finally clue in that you’re even speaking. It is challenging, confusing, chaotic and mind-numbing when you have to watch Pingu 37 times in a row.

But weeks like these make you realize they are smarter than you give them credit for. They are intuitive little buggers, and can sense when you need a hug, a smile, or to be asked if you pooped your pants.

I’ve never been happier to say “No, Mommy didn’t poop…she farted”.

I’ve never been happier to be her Mommy.