15

Let’s play a game called “Did it make her cry?”

That’s right folks. It’s game time again!

This time the game is called “Did it make her cry?”. So basically I’m going to throw out a real scenario, and you have to guess if my sweet little L cried, or didn’t cry. Let me know how many you got right in the comments section. The winner will get….well nothing. Unless you count pure satisfaction, and the knowledge that you are a toddler expert a prize, then by all means you’re the top banana!

Here we go!!!!

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1) After climbing onto our coffee table/ottoman, L forgot she was near the edge and leaned back. This resulted in a surprise fall flat onto her back with a bonk on the head (complete with deflated ego). Did she cry?

2) When Mommy went to pee, L had to be in the bathroom, too. I mean of course she did. What Mom gets to pee alone? But when Mommy was done peeing she flushed the toilet and L didn’t get to wave “bye bye” to Mommy’s pee. Did she cry?

3) Daddy took L to the park! She ran and ran and ran away from Daddy. She ran so fast into the bicycle path, that she fell and scraped her knees and Daddy had to scoop her up and away from the bike path into safety. Did she cry?

4) Looking backwards while running forwards meant that L ran head first into the dining room table. There’s a bruise now. Did she cry?

5) While watching Dora the explorer (Uggh I hate that show), the map came on to show Dora where to go. Did she cry?

6) While watching Daddy play a game, she saw zombies and dragons and monsters. Did she cry?

7) Mommy told L that she couldn’t bring all of her stuffies into the tubby with her. Did she cry?

8) L watched Daddy writhing in pain after she elbow dropped him in the guts while he was lying on the floor. Did she cry?

9) L asked Mommy for some juice. Mommy gave her some juice. Did she cry?

10) Daddy put on his shoes, but then sat in the chair. Did she cry?

Those are the questions to be pondered. Get into your little toddler brains and try and figure out what happened. Are you ready for the answers? Here goes!

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1) After falling off of the coffee table, L rolled over and looked at Mama and said “hahahaha uh oh”. She proceeded to get back up onto the table. You could then see she was seriously considering “falling off” again to see if it was funny a second time. Mommy put a stop to that. So the correct answer is: Did not cry. Will also accept: Future in physical comedy.

2) When L couldn’t wave goodbye to Mommy’s pee, mayhem ensued. Mommy clearly didn’t realize that she had an emotional bond to the urine, and taking away the ability to say goodbye to something so special has left her emotionally scarred. Mommy couldn’t bring back the pee….well at least not for an hour or two. So L cried, and cried, and cried some more. So the correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: Needs a new “special friend”.

3) After running away from Daddy, falling in the bicycle path and scraping up both knees, L didn’t cry. However, when Daddy scooped her up to move her to safety (away from the bikers), L lost her cool. Nobody can tell that wild spirit of mine what she can and cannot do. So the correct answer is: Trick question! Didn’t cry from the injury, did cry because she lost her independence.

4) The bonk in the head caused by looking backwards while running forwards into the dining room table resulted in an obviously fake, attention seeking, no real tears cry. It wasn’t real, and after 5 seconds when she realized the world hadn’t ended, she laughed and continued her running race around the house. So the correct answer is: Didn’t cry. Will also accept: “And the Oscar goes to…”

5) That map on Dora is almost as creepy as Dora herself. No wonder she cries when he comes on the screen and runs away! The correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: I cried, too.

6) She may cry when she watches Dora the Explorer, but show her a zombie, monster or dragon and she’s in her element! She does the best zombie impression in the world, and runs around pretending to be a dragon. My kid is the coolest! The correct answer is: Hell no she didn’t cry, she knows where it’s at!

7) When Mommy said the stuffies couldn’t come in the tubby, all hell broke loose. The tubby was the enemy at that point, and she’s a fighter. She would not get in the tub, and when we finally got her in, she stiffened every muscle in protest and refused to sit down. She had a “standing up” tubby that night, and the water level doubled in height by the time we were done with her crocodile tears. So the correct answer is: Cried. Mommy doesn’t understand that stuffies need tubbies, too.

8) After elbow dropping Daddy in the guts, L thought his pain was hilarious. She proceeded to elbow drop him a few more times, gently sit slam down on his belly, and slide down to the floor like Daddy is a human jungle gym. Apparently to L, pain is funny. So the correct answer is: L didn’t cry, but we can’t necessarily say the same for Daddy.

9) Mommy gave her the juice she asked for, but she cried anyway. Mommy still isn’t quite sure why. Maybe she filled up the cup too much? Maybe she used the “wrong” cup? Maybe she had planned to cry regardless of what Mommy did? Who knows. So the correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: Messing with Mommy’s head is fun.

10) Daddy put on his shoes, then sat down in a chair. He didn’t immediately scoop up L and take her out for a walk or for a ride in the car. Can you see the potential problem? Lack of instant gratification! The correct answer is: Cried. Will also accept: It’s our own fault for looking more ready to leave the house than we were.

Thanks for playing! How many did you get right?

Don’t forget to like How to Ruin a Toddler’s Day on Facebook! 🙂

48

Driven to insanity: The worst of the worst kids television shows

The things we do for our kids. The things we watch for our kids.

Some of the TV shows we subject ourselves to are enough to drive even the most sane of individuals into voluntarily seeking a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Some of these shows are so bad, that they drive me to the brink of a meltdown. If I end up going nuts from watching these shows, can I really be held accountable? I find it hard to believe that some people are actually paid to come up with some of the shit that is put out there for kids to watch nowadays.

Kids shows used to be good! For example, the Strawberry Shortcake of yesteryear was actually good. There were bad guys: The Peculiar Purple Pieman and Sour Grapes! Now, there are no bad guys. Just animated sweetness that my kid is OBSESSED WITH! Every day all we hear over and over again is “Cake? Cake!!!!!” as she picks up the DVD case and tries to shove it into our XBox 360 herself to make it play.

This is the Strawberry Shortcake I remember.

This is the Strawberry Shortcake I remember.

This is what she looks like now.

This is what she looks like now.

But this show, as mind numbingly repetitious as it has become to me, isn’t on my list of shows I loathe the most. Yes my friends, I have a list! Want to hear it? Well tough. You’ve made it this far, so you might as well keep reading! My top 5 list of the stupidest, most god awful, you must be on drugs to understand where this is coming from, make me want to blow my brains out kids shows is what’s on the agenda for today!

Here we go – buckle in and enjoy the ride.

5) Dora the Explorer:

Do you ever friggin' blink?

Do you ever friggin’ blink?

She’s made the list for the pure fact that she creeps the hell out of me. Does this kid ever blink?! Oh wait, now I’m being insensitive. Clearly she doesn’t blink because she’s blind. It’s the only explanation for how she manages to not see that the goddamned Rainbow Mountain is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! Then there’s that Swiper, guy. What  is up with that? If stopping someone from stealing your things/mugging you were as easy as repeating over and over and over again “Swiper, no swiping!” then the world would have a lot less crime in it. Oh and her map? That creepy map that leaps out at the screen? That makes my kid cry every single time. It’s gotten to the point that she now knows that it’s coming, and will turn away or run from the room. That says enough on its own.

4) Yo Gabba Gabba:

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Why is there a one-eyed dildo walking around?

Every time I watch this show, I’m reminded of a little Canadian commercial that was on when I was a child. It had a catchy jingle that went like this: “Drugs, drugs, drugs. Which are good, which are bad? Drugs, drugs, drugs. Ask your Mom or ask your Dad!”. Yep. Whoever came up with this shit-show of show was definitely on the bad kind of drugs (or the good ones?). I mean, props to DJ Lance for having enough confidence in his masculinity to rock that orange jumpsuit every day. But my God, this show makes me feel like I’m in some kind of drug-induced episode of the twilight zone. And what kind of creatures are these things supposed to be anyway? There’s the cat looking one, the flower looking one, the robot, the monster under the bed, and the dildo? Come on, you thought the same thing. There’s no way that knobby red thing isn’t supposed to represent a “bumpy, for her pleasure” hand held pleasuring device. Who writes this stuff?

3) Bubble Guppies:

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Poor little ginger guppy.

The Bubble Guppies. These guys make the list for a few reasons. For one, they have the most ANNOYING SONGS EVER! For two, I always find myself feeling bad for the Ginger guppy. Ever notice that he’s NEVER happy? Even in this pic – not smiling. Also, nine times out of ten he’s the kid who gets the shitty lunch. Not cool, Bubble Guppies, not cool. Plus, the whole show is nothing but scientific impossibilities! A Bubble puppy? Fail. Having the sun, and sky, and stars, under water with them? Fail. Having other creatures under water with them who are magically able to breathe? Fail. I really hate this show.

2) Max and Ruby:

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I found this pic online and thought, yup, that about sums it up!

Max and Ruby. Ruby and Max. Never Max and Ruby and THEIR PARENTS. Where are their parents? Grandma comes to visit once in a while, but there has to be some serious neglect going on here. I believe Ruby is supposed to be 7, and Max, 3. Who the hell lets a 7 year old babysit? No wonder Ruby is always such a bitch – she’s on a power trip! When coming up with names for my sweet L, my top two names were the one we gave her, and Ruby. Then someone told me “Ohhhh no. Go watch this show before you decide”. Thank God they did. One episode in, and my mind was made up. No way I was naming my kid after that bunny.

And my number 1 worst kids show of all time is…

1) Caillou:

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I don’t normally say this about children, but I wouldn’t be sad if he showed up on a missing children’s poster.

Are you really that surprised?

This kid makes me ashamed to say I was created in the same country he was. I’ve never wanted to smack any kid before, until I watched an episode of this show. Let’s start with the theme song. You’re sick of Caillou before you even watch the show because he says his own name like 5.4 billion times in a row! Shut up, Caillou, or this Mama is going to lose it!

This kid is a prime example of bad behaviour. That kid is so friggin’ spoiled. He needs the whine whooped out of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day his Daddy went off to work or to fetch dinner and just never came back. Who would blame him really? His kid is a brat, and his wife wears the same goddamned clothes every day. You know that doesn’t smell too good.

Plus why is he bald at 4 years old?! The creators of the show are rumored to have said that it makes him more relatable to every kid if he is bald. Umm, nope. Fail. I don’t know many bald four year olds, unless they are sick, and I don’t think there’s ever been a “Caillou has alopecia” or “Caillou gets chemotherapy” episode. I feel awful even mentioning sick kids, because having a sick kid is NEVER funny. But neither is Caillou. Ever.

Why does he never get disciplined! If my kid was that much of a whiny ass-hat every single day, she would get a serious talking to, or a time-out, or SOMETHING. This kid – nothing. Oh and guess what? If your kid sees Caillou whine and complain and get away with it, guess what they are going to do? Whine and complain! Worst example ever! I get it, all 4 year olds have tantrums or get upset. Really there’s nobody to blame here except Caillou’s parents. Calling them enablers is the understatement of the century. Can’t wait to see the way he behaves in the teenage years.

And the narrator. Kill me now because captain obvious is about to say something AGAIN. “Caillou is sad”, “Caillou doesn’t like that Rosie got a new toy and he didn’t”, “Caillou made Mommy think about all the different ways she could kill herself”. Woops, there I go again, projecting my emotions onto an animated character. That kid is a bastard and he gets the best of me.

Yes, I just called a cartoon character a bastard. Yes, I feel that strongly about it. No, I won’t apologize for it. Needless to say, Caillou is banned from the television in my house.

So let me have it. What are the worst of the worst in your books? What kids TV shows drive you up the wall?