2

“Look Mommy!…”

As we’re grocery shopping the other day, L takes off her sunglasses, puts them around her chest/waist and loudly proclaims:

“Look Mommy, I got a bra for my boobies now! I have boobies! I have BOOBIES!!!”.

Thankfully the little old lady beside me thought she was cute. I, however stifled a laugh and tried to hide how mortified I was. Where does she come up with this stuff?

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Her imagination is pretty incredible, and timely, too. Like at bedtime when she comes out of the bedroom, with a quivering lip, seeming very concerned that she isn’t outside playing with her friend the spider. During the day, spiders are scary, but at night apparently they are friends whose feelings will be hurt that she had to go to bed. Sorry spidey, no luck. That kid is done for the day!

Who needs cable tv, when you’ve got endless entertainment in the form of a toddler!

9

I’m not dead, I’m just planning a wedding!

Holy crap, has it really been since December since I’ve written a post? You must have all thought I kicked the bucket and left this planet.

I assure you, I’m still alive. I’m actually in the midst of planning our wedding, so it’s kind of taken over my life. Plus, my work just moved to a brand new location, and I was in charge of a few big projects (including our grand opening) so needless to say, my spare time has been next to nil.

You can also rest assured that my toddler is wreaking her usual havoc, in her cutesy charming ways. Her vocabulary and sentence formation ability has sky-rocketed which has made for some very interesting conversations lately. I’ll get to those – I promise – but a few people have contacted me lately and asked me what’s been going on since I’ve basically dropped off the face of the blogosphere. Well, here goes…

1) We’re getting married! April 28th, 2015 in JAMAICA! I am beyond excited. It will be my fiance’s first time leaving the country, and L’s first trip on an airplane, so it should be interesting keeping her occupied for the flight. Mom’s/Dad’s who have been there and done that when it comes to in-flight toddler entertainment, PLEASE comment with any tips you’ve got to share. I’m so open to them. I can just see us being “that family” with “that screamy kid” on the flight, so if I can avoid that by any means (besides drugging her lol) I’m up for it!

I can't wait to have my toes in the sand on this beach!

I can’t wait to have my toes in the sand on this beach!

I’m also trying to do this on a budget. Well, as much of a budget as you can when flying to another country. I’m trying to DIY stuff, and access free stuff (cause who doesn’t like free?) and get it done on a dime. So if you know of any beachy themed, turquoise & tangerine DIY stuff, send ’em on over!

2) Remember the “Hypocritical Health Hurdles” series I was writing? Yeah… I know it’s been a while, but I’ve SUCCEEDED!!! I’ve lost 21 pounds to date (my goal was 20 pounds), including 3.5 inches from my waist. It’s actually reached a point where other people are starting to notice the changes, and I’m feeling pretty great! I may not be at my ideal weight (that’d be another 20 more pounds…uggh), but I’ve lost it and kept it off, so now I know I can do it! Yay! Plus, I still treat myself to a drive-thru fast food meal, or pizza, or something grease-laden and sweet and awful for me every now and then, so I’m not feeling completely deprived and off my rocker. The big bonus for me? I’ve picked up a few nice sundresses and things for when we go to Jamaica, and they’re not plus-sized! I’m back into regular sized clothes now, from regular stores, and can pick it off the rack! I will never be a size small, and I don’t want to be. I’d like to keep my boobs, my butt, and my curves. Though I do like that now I can keep that curvy look, with a decreased health risk. Overall, I’m feeling pretty great about my success!

Finally!

Finally!

 

3) I wish I knew how to cut my own hair. I’m in desperate need for a haircut. I’m talking a minimum of 6 inches cut off, but it just isn’t in the “mommy budget”. Sigh. Not really an exciting thing to report, but it’s on my mind constantly and every time I look in the mirror. I feel like a fresh new cut/look to go with my fresh new weight loss success would lift my spirits pretty high. Time to save the dollars I guess.

 

Alright, well that’s the life update as for now, so on to the stuff that keeps me giggling every day when it comes to my girl. To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement.

– L loves to shop. If you ever gave her a choice as to where she wants to go, she’ll almost always say Walmart. I’m not sure why she loves Walmart so much, but now my goal as a parent is to make sure she doesn’t grow up to end up on that people of Walmart website. Have you been there? Basically it’s a website dedicated to posting pictures of people who are spotted at Walmart, wearing clothes to…”impress”. If it were up to L, she’d be in Walmart all day, every day so I don’t want her to turn into the Walmart Creature Feature lol. They aren’t the most fashionable to say the least. Check it out! http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

– The other day, while in Walmart (maybe I do go there too frequently… am I one of those people?!), L was seated in the front of the cart when she started caressing my chest area and trying to pull my shirt down. It was a fight to keep the girls contained. She kept saying “Mommy, boobies under there. Boobies are hiding! Come out, come out wherever you are Mommy’s boobies!”. If you’ve met my L, you’d also know that she doesn’t understand the concept of an indoor voice, so we were drawing some unwelcome attention. This type of thing occurs regularly. Fun.

– On a cuter note, L wished me a Happy Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day, and every single day since. I’ve stopped reminding her that Mother’s day is over, because frankly, I like being celebrated.

– POTTY TRAINING IS HELL!!! We were having success for such a long time, then she was having some bowel issues. It took a few trips to a pediatrician, followed by some elimination diets to determine she has a lactose sensitivity, which explained the control issues she was having. Now that we have it sorted, we went back to the potty. NO FRIGGIN’ LUCK! I’ve tried sticker charts, bribing with candy, getting rid of pull ups completely and letting her wet her underwear to see if that will help her to learn the “I have to go” signal, etc. She’s TOO DAMN STUBBORN! Our conversations go something like this:

Me: “L, are you pooping sweetie? Let’s go to the potty to finish so we can have a treat!”

L: “Ummm, no thank you. You change my bum!” (she then runs and hides. At least she declines politely, right?)

Me: (trying to remind her the potty is nothing to cry about) “L, remember what we say for the potty? What do we say?”

L: “Happy potty, happy candy!” (basically a short version of if she sits happily on the potty she gets a candy – not a big one, I’m talking like one m&m – which she seems excited about till she sees the potty, then crosses her arms, pouts, and takes off running).

This pretty much sums up her attitude...

This pretty much sums up her attitude…

Or this version:
L: “Mommy, my bum hurts! Owie! Rash!”

Me: “L, you have a rash because you’re in pull-ups. If you used the potty, your bum wouldn’t get rashy and hurt!”

L: “NO THANK YOU! NO POTTY! NO UNDERWEAR! YOU CHANGE MY PULLUP!”

Now I know people are going to say that maybe she just isn’t ready, but I don’t think that’s the case. She was using it successfully until the lactose intolerance problem caused a lack of control for her movements and we needed to use the pull up for security purposes for a period of about 4-5 months. She’s reverted backwards, and I can’t pull her out of it. FML. If I never hear the word potty again, it will be too soon.

How are the rest of you doing? It’s been so long, I feel like I’m practically writing for strangers again! I think I need to get someone to start harassing me on a weekly basis so I don’t fall off the bandwagon again. I miss this place.

17

“Mommy didn’t poop sweetie….”

As you may have read in my last post, this past week has been rough on me. From mourning, to funeral planning, to attending the service, I’ve been kind of wrapped up in all things sad lately.THANKFULLY I have a little one who is determined to see everyone around her be happy. I thought I’d share a few things that happened this week that brightened up my life, made me laugh, embarrassed me, and make me realize that she’s more than just my little L – she’s my world.

– On Friday, when I was all sad and depressed, I had moments where I just sat on the couch and cried. I couldn’t snap out of it. At one point, L looked at me from across the room and said “Mommy?”. She came over, climed up onto my lap, placed her little hands on either side of my face, smiled and said “Mommy, happy please?”. Remember that scene from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” where his heart grew three sizes that day? That’s pretty much what happened to me right then and there. I was bursting with love for this little human being – a little human being that I still look at from time to time and think to myself “I can’t believe she used to be inside me and popped out of my vagina”. How weird is that!?

grinch heart small

– Ok so I don’t know about your kids, but my little L can fart – a lot! Sometimes it is hard to tell if she farted or pooped, so I usually follow up with a phrase that goes something like “Hey L, did you poop or did you fart?”. And she’ll answer me “poop” or “fart”. Well mid week, when the stress of planning things had kind of culminated, I threw my back out – badly! I was fairly crippled, and when I woke up one morning I was lying on the couch on an ice pack with L at the other end watching Pingu (her new obsession!). Well at the sake of embarassing myself fully, I can’t leave this part of the story out. I farted. Rather loudly. It was actually pretty epic. Well L turned to me and giggled. Then I heard it – “Mommmmmy…… Mommy poop?”. I just about died with laughter, but could you blame her? My fart was really big, and if I had to draw it, it would likely resemble the fart in that Robert Munsch book “Good Families Don’t”.

In case you can't tell, the fart is the green guy on the left.

In case you can’t tell, the fart is the green guy on the left.

– L came with me the day of the visitation, service and reception. I was really glad to have her there, because I knew having my little love around would help to stave off some of the sadness and awkwardness of the day. Boy was I right! There were a few key moments that day that I loved. My Dad gave a beautiful eulogy – he really did an amazing job and was stronger than I could have ever been. You know how when people give eulogy’s, they often speak of memories they have? Some of those memories are funny, but nobody laughs really loudly – just an under the breath soft chuckle. Well my Dad had a moment like that. There was a quiet hum of muffled chuckles, when my L stood up in the pew and did a huge belly laugh – “HAHAHAHAHA ohhhhh Pop!”. The place broke out into laughter, my Dad turned to her (at the microphone) and said “Thank you for getting my joke L” with a smile. He later told me she was the reason he was able to get through his speech.

– There was another emotional moment when people around were fighting stifled tears. L again, stood up in the pew (leaning into me), looked at me and whispered “Mommy, happy?”. I told her I was very happy that she was there beside me. So she turned to everyone, put on her big girl voice and proclaimed “Hey! Happy, happy, happy please!!!”. Tears turned to smiles, and sadness turned to giggles. My little L hates seeing a world of sadness, and has proclaimed to everyone in the room that we should all be happy. That is what funerals should be really about anyway – to celebrate a life. A time to look back on happy memories. She reminded me just that.

funny-picture-happy-hour-is-a-nap-600x455

Life with a toddler can be hard as hell. It is tiring, emotional, and you can feel like someone has you set on ‘repeat’ every single day because you say the same damn things 75 times in a row before they finally clue in that you’re even speaking. It is challenging, confusing, chaotic and mind-numbing when you have to watch Pingu 37 times in a row.

But weeks like these make you realize they are smarter than you give them credit for. They are intuitive little buggers, and can sense when you need a hug, a smile, or to be asked if you pooped your pants.

I’ve never been happier to say “No, Mommy didn’t poop…she farted”.

I’ve never been happier to be her Mommy.

23

If my toddler could tell me off…

I got to thinking today (I know, I know…it’s dangerous when I start to think about things) about how tough it must be to be a toddler. I mean, I’m literally doing things to ruin her day all the time. That’s where the title of my blog came from. She wants to do things, I say no, I’ve ruined her day.

It must suck to be such a tiny human, and be constantly told you “have to do this” or “can’t do that” all day long. My L is only pint-sized, but she’s a strong-headed personality, and she definitely has a mind of her own. Of course I piss her off when I go ruining what she’s got planned.

So I thought to myself – if she were able to eloquently describe to me her thoughts on my “Mommy bossiness” and tell me off, what would she say? Would she have reasons for wanting to do what she does? What would her perspective be?

So here’s my take on it – knowing my daughter as I do, and how hard it is to change her mind when she has it set. I’m going to lay out the situation, my response (and reasoning) and her response (and reasoning) as I imagine it might be.

1a1hv

Situation #1 I left the room for two minutes, and L took the time to dump half a bottle of baby powder all over the living room carpet, and herself.

My thoughts – “Ohhhhh noooooo, L! We don’t dump that on the carpet! Look, you’ve made a mess. Now we have to clean you up and change you before we go out. Uggh. I don’t have time for this…”

Her thoughts – “Come on Mom, I’m learning here! It’s physics! Look at how it all goes down to the floor, but some of it floats in the air! And look – I dumped it on my feet, then moved and could see my footprints on the carpet! How effin’ cool is that?! Maybe I’ll do it again – look two sets of feet! Holy crap I’m an artist. Why aren’t you loving this?!”

Situation #2 – She asked for a cookie/cracker, so I hand her two. One is broken. Meltdown ensues.

My thoughts“Oh for goodness sake, L, they all taste the same. The whole one will look like that once you take a bite out of it anyway!”

Her thoughts – “What do you take me for Mom, a pushover? This one is broken, and I’m being ripped off! Less cookie than I would have gotten? Hell no! Besides, when a cookie/cracker is broken, it dies. DIES! Who wants to eat a dead cookie! How do I get enjoyment out of seeing that this cookie had its life cut short because the box got shaken up? LIFE IS SO CRUEL!”

Situation #3Wanting to eat the lone goldfish cracker she found under her ass in the car seat, or the raisin she found stuck to her foot after stepping on it.

My thoughts – “Ewwww, L, dirty. Don’t eat that. Yuck, yuck, yuck!” (Secretly thinking – hmmm, will that tide her over till lunch?)

Her thoughts “Sweet, I found that snack I stashed away for later. I knew I’d need this! Wait, WTF Mom, why are you taking that away? I planted this on purpose! It’s food, dammit. FOOD! You’re supposed to eat it. You’re always telling me to “eat my breakfast”, or “come on, one more bite of supper”, and now you WON’T let me eat? YOU ARE SO UNFAIR!”

Situation # 4 – I give L her favourite lunch, and she refuses to eat it.

My thoughts – “Come on L, you love this! You ate it just the other day and devoured it. I know you like it. Why are you pushing it away today?”

Her thoughts – “Seriously Mom, have you ever just not been in the mood for a certain thing? I had this same kind of sandwich two other times this week, and I just don’t want it today. Can’t you learn to make ANYTHING DIFFERENT? I mean, would you want to eat the same things on repeat all the time? No. It’s boring. AND YUCKY! Why can’t you just make me something new for once?!”

Situation # 5 – We’ve just gotten out of the car to go to my Mom’s, and she is unhappy because I make her walk (not run) and hold my hand on the street.

My thoughts – “L, we’re by the road where there are cars. You have to hold Mommy’s hand. It’s dangerous. STOP! I mean it sweetie. No running by the road!”

Her thoughts – “OMG I’M ALWAYS TIED UP! You lock me into the car seat so I can’t move. You lock me into the booster seat at the dining room table so I can’t move. You put me in a stroller so I can’t move. You hold my hand too tightly by the road so I can’t move. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE, DAMMIT! Look, there’s leaves on Gramma’s front yard. LEAVES! They’re yellow, and orange, and green, and I want them all! I want all the rocks in the driveway. I want to run to the neighbours fence to say “Hi Doggy!” to my friend with the waggly tail. Stop with the restrictions and LET ME LIVE!”.

So I guess I have to try and think of things from her perspective for a bit. I think I ruin her day a lot.

(Don’t forget to vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs! Just one click on the icon to the right = one vote!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8

I needed this laugh.

I’ve seen this done before by a few other bloggers, so I thought I’d play around on WordPress and do my own version.

You see, I’ve been feeling quite sad this week and thought I needed a laugh. Boy oh boy, did this do the trick! I went through my stats, and looked up the history of all the search terms that people have used to find themselves at my blog. Some of them I read and completely understand how it led them to my blog, and some of them even have me stumped, and I’m the one who writes all of my content! So if you want a laugh of your own, read through my results (and my reactions to them), and take a peek at your own search term results for fun!

google-analytics-cartoon-1322054148

Please note, I have not changed any spelling or punctuation in any of these results. I will let them speak for themselves…

1) adult baby pacifier
You see, I did a post about how I feared that if I let my kid have her pacifier until SHE decided to wean herself from it, she might well end up as one of those creepy adult babies featured on “My Strange Addiction”. Apparently though, there are a lot of people who Google where to find adult baby pacifiers. Interesting.

2) wobble boobs

Well, I can only assume they were led to me by my post titled “Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro”. I still don’t know if I want to meet the person who googles wobble boobs though…

3) devilish woman

Is this what I am? I am lost as to how this led to me…

4) boob hand tuch facebook

So what exactly is a tuch? Is that supposed to say “touch” or “tush”? I don’t get it at all…

5) woman breastfeeding kitten

I have three letters for this one. W T F!?!?!

6) my mom touched me

Eek. I don’t like how that is worded, and don’t like that it led to my blog.

7) i have to poop not coming out

Well that’s unfortunate. Might I suggest some stool softeners or some prune juice or some fibre supplementation?

8) he is nothing, thems work for computer

Hunh? I really am lost on this one. Can anyone help me out here?

9) i bought them and they were mine but you ate them yeah you ate my fries and i cried and you died see me cry

HAHAHA! I have no idea what this person was trying to find, and how they ended up at my blog, but thank you for making my day. We must be kindred spirits. I would cry if someone ate my fries, too.

10) tortured vagina in horror films

YIKES! I know where this one came from. It’s from “So you just had a baby. Now what?”, where I said do not look at your vagina. It looks like it is straight out of a horror film: Think “Vagina Chainsaw Massacre” or “Night of the Living Labia”.
But really, who Googles this!?

11) will my bratz doll be worth something one day?

I sure as hell hope it won’t! They are awful!

12) how many winan poop on the delivery table

First of all, unless it is some sort of cultural term I’m not aware of, I’m pretty sure it is spelled “women”. Second of all, more women poop on the delivery table than you might think. Pretty sure this one was from “The Royal Baby is Coming! Do Princesses Poop on the Delivery Table?”. I set myself up there I’m sure.

Have any of you ever looked up your search terms and found some gems? I’d love it if you shared.

Don’t forget to like How to Ruin a Toddler’s Day on Facebook!

20

Can we say Geektastic? I think I had a nerdgasm.

***Updated as someone kindly pointed out to me that my links were improperly done. They should be working better now. 🙂

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I take pride in my geekery. I have no shame in it at all, and quite frankly feel like when I’m with my fellow geeks, I’m with “my people”. That is where I fit in. I love the references, the jokes, all of it.

So imagine the nerdgasm I had when I was nominated as one of the FIRST EVER RECIPIENTS of the Modern Man of the Cloth Geekery Awards!  (Seriously, follow this link. It’s great!) I tried really hard not to spit out my morning juice as I grinned, but I failed and had some pitifully dribble down my chin. But I just don’t care, because I am now “The Joker”!

"All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? You had a bad day and everything changed."

“All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once. Am I right? You had a bad day and everything changed.”

I am going to quote directly from his post, because I don’t want to do a disservice to his creativity.  Anything you see quoted is sourced directly from his post, which you can find in the link above. “The Joker – Your humour is infectious, and maybe even a little dark. Your posts have made me laugh out loud almost every time. I would like to give this award to Jennifer of https://howtoruinatoddlersday.wordpress.com/

OMFG – I LOVE IT!

Here’s the best part – there are more nerdtastic awards that I now get to give to other people.

Strap in and get ready folks, we’re in for a wild one!

1. The Optimus Prime Award – “Your blog is so inspiring I just want to ‘transform, roll out’ and follow you”. I would like to give this award to Atlantamomofthree.

optimus-prime award

2) The Philip J Fry Award – Seeing the gorgeous jewelry you post every day makes me want to say “Shut up and take my money!”. I would like to give this award to We’re all mad here…

Philip J Fry Award

3) The Gandalf the Gray Award – “When you make a point your arguments are so thought out and so persuasive no counter argument can stand.” I would like to give this award to Momma needs coffee.

Galdalf the Gray award

4) The This is Sparta Award – “Everything you say is powerful and strong. Agree or disagree I find your passion and convictions so inspiring.” I would like to give this award to Mummy Flying Solo.

This is Sparta Award

5) The Joker Award – To a person after my own heart. “Your humour is infectious, and maybe even a little dark. Your posts have made me laugh out loud almost every time.” I would like to give this award to Mentalmom02’s blog.

The Joker Award

Now for the rules, as established by the Man of the Modern Cloth himself:

  1. Like I tell my children you should always say thank you
  2. Please link back to the post that gave you your award
  3. If you won any of these awards you can pass along any of these made up, but still real, awards to someone else. Or can create your own awards to tell someone how awesome you think they are.
  4. Tell us 58 random things about you and 41 things that that make you interesting**

** Not a real rule.

This might be the best award I have ever received, so I hope that you will all accept yours and pass them along. Remember to link back to this post, and it would be great to link back to the creator’s post as well.

Happy Sunday!

30

How I ruined my toddler’s day today.

I told her that even though it is fun, baby powder is not for playing with. As you can see, she is not impressed I took the rest away from her.

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I left the room long enough to get a comb for her hair. This is what I came back to find. Luckily, the friends I was meeting with for a play date today didn’t mind me being late.

So if anyone is feeling generous, I will accept donations of the following: a professional carpet cleaner, a healthy dose of sanity, chocolate in any form, wine in any form, a babysitter.