It’s hard not to think of questions like this when all you hear everywhere you turn is “Oh my God! Kate Middleton is in labour!”.
The way the press is acting, you’d think no other woman on the planet had ever given birth to a child before. Though I digress, not all of us get to do it in style like she does. I mean, did you hear what her birthing suite is costing her? From one source I read it costs her $9,450 for one night, and an extra $3,318 per additional day they stay. Apparently they plan to stay for three days, so that adds up to (from what my crappy math skills tell me) roughly $15, 085!
Are you effing kidding me? From what I’ve gathered, they were both brought up well. They’ve both travelled to far away places to help those less fortunate than themselves build adequate housing and the likes. So $15,085 for a birthing suite?
Please tell me that birthing table is made of solid gold. But why would it be? I mean with the afterbirth, blood, and possible poop, why would they make it of gold?
Wait, what am I thinking. Princesses can’t possibly poop. That’s far too pedestrian an act.
And heaven forbid the poor woman want to scream, or curse, or hit someone, or tell everyone to shut the hell up. I mean you have to feel for her. It’s going to hurt giving birth to a baby that will come out fully clad with a crown and scepter.
And privacy? Why the hell would she ever be entitled to that?!
And what about this poor baby? This kid is going to come into this world with such high expectations placed upon him/her. It won’t ever be able to poop either, let alone scream, throw a tantrum, pick up dirty things from the ground and see what they taste like, stick a finger up his/her nostril to go nose mining, or finger paint with his/her meals and make a mess. How exactly do you train a toddler to act royally?
And just how offended would Great-Granny the Queen be if said baby decided to power puke all over her shoulder whilst she’s wearing the crown jewels? Would the baby have to curtsey or bow as he/she apologizes? What if they’re all standing on the same balcony they stood on after their wedding, they raise Royal Baby into the air just as Rafiki does to Simba in the Lion King, and the kid decides to power puke/power poop for the entire world to see? How do you recover from that, Princess?
I present to you, our new Prince/Princess of Power Puke!
In all seriousness though, I do wish her the best. Giving birth is never an easy task no matter who you are. I imagine it is made no easier when the entire world is wanting to know every detail, like how long the labour was, did she need stitches, did she poop on the table, will she breastfeed, did she need an epidural, etc.
At least one member of the Royal Family is taking things in stride and with a sense of humour. I read the following tweets from Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) today:
1) “Prince William’s heir is falling out!” #royalbaby
2) “Camilla has been busily knitting baby clothes. The last thing one needs is another naked Royal in the newspapers”. #royalbaby
AMAZING! He may not be the best looking fella in the world, but that’s the kind of humour I can get behind!
How To Ruin A Toddler's Day 