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Ever hear of a Lotus Birth? Don’t eat while you read this blog post!

photo of newborn with intact umbilicus, one ho...

photo of newborn with intact umbilicus, one hour postpartm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

* Edit – these thoughts are just why I PERSONALLY wouldn’t choose to do this. I can only write what I know, and what I feel. If anyone has any information on the benefits to a Lotus Birth, and a link as to why it should be considered, feel free to leave it in the comments section and I will gladly edit my post to include it and have both perspectives.

Have you ever heard of a Lotus birth? This rather new parenting trend was recently brought to my attention, and my first instinct was to barf all over my keyboard as I read about it.

Before I start with MY TAKE on just how messed up I think a Lotus Birth is, let me fill you in on what it’s all about.  

After a baby is born, the conventional medical thing to do is to clamp and cut the umbilical cord right after birth. Some people do a delayed cord cutting (an hour or two tops) as they wait for the cord to stop pulsing which allows the last of the cord blood to enter the baby’s blood stream. I can completely get behind that concept, and think there are great benefits to the practice of delayed cord cutting.

HOWEVER, with a Lotus birth, you don’t cut the umbilical cord at all. You leave the cord attached to the baby AND to the placenta. You bathe your placenta in a salt bath (to apparently aid in reducing the STENCH, and you can also “scent” your placenta if you wish), place the placenta into a little cotton carrying bag – design of your choosing – and bring home baby, placenta and the attached umbilical cord as a package deal. Then, you wait for the umbilical cord to naturally fall away from the baby – a process which can take anywhere from 3-10 DAYS!

So let’s start with the benefits of a Lotus Birth. Apparently babies who remain attached to their placentas after birth are more content and relaxed as the placenta is comforting to them. They can be less affected by jaundice, lose less weight, and apparently continue to get nutrients from the placenta while it dries up. (** I’ve also since been told that it is often a spiritual/cultural thing, where people believe the spirit/chi/soul of the baby is in the placenta and that if you leave all attached, the soul will be able to fully enter the baby’s body without being severed. I wasn’t aware of this, and think that is actually a pretty cool concept! Also, in these cultures the mother often goes nowhere for 40 days, and has mothers/aunts etc. help take care of her.She is simply expected to rest. Still not for me, but at least now I have been enlightened as to why it is done). All ok points, but for me the negatives outweigh the postives.

Here’s my take on this:

1) I get it. The placenta is the new “in thing” for birthing mama’s. First there were placenta pills, then placenta jewelry (yes, that’s a real thing – not on my Christmas list!), and now you get to spend a crap ton of money on a cotton bag to carry around a rotting flesh organ for up to 10 days. That’s right, days. I just don’t think I’ll ever relate to the placenta loving Mama’s. Just not my thing. These bags aren’t cheap either! Here’s one I found here on etsy, and it costs $95.55! http://www.etsy.com/shop/LotusBorn

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2) If this becomes mainstream, you can be sure that some hippie granola celebrity Mom is going to have a custom designed Balenciaga placenta bag. Or Louis Vuitton. Or Prada. Prada Placenta bags. Oh the possibilities (and increased profit margins) are endless.

3) Wait a minute. If you have all of these design choices for placenta bags, and people are charging $100 bucks for a cotton sack, doesn’t the whole thing become “designer” and “mainstream”? Would that not be exactly what an au natural granola Mom would be against?

4) If you delay cutting the umbilical cord until the pulse stops, you’re not looking at more than one day (let alone a few hours). With this process, it can be 3-10 days. Could you imagine?!? “Awww can I hold the baby? She’s so adorable!” Ahhh sure you can, but you also have to drape the cord over your arm and hold this bag of decaying flesh as well. Oh don’t mind the smell, I’ll just spritz it. BARF!

5) Heaven forbid you have to go to the grocery store. How do you manage the baby, a shopping cart, and a placenta bag? It’s hard enough with just the baby! Oh, and what about the poor people who work at the store and have to check all outside bags for shoplifting? “Excuse me Ma’am, you can’t carry your own shopping bags around the store. Please use the designated shopping cart only. Do you mind if I search your bag?”. That’s going to be a shocker!

6) You thought Baby-wearing was a trend! You obviously haven’t tried PLACENTA WEARING! If feeling so close to your baby feels that good, imagine what it feels like to feel that close to a piece of your very own insides! There’s no love like self-love, baby!

7) So it’s bath time. Yay! Where do you put the placenta? Make sure you don’t get it wet. The only thing worse than the smell of slowly decaying organ in a bag, is WET AND MILDEWY slowly decaying organ in a bag. BARF, BARF, BARF! Oh and make sure you manoeuver that bag carefully. You don’t want to accidentally kneel on it when you’re bathing dear baby. SQUISH – BARF!

8) Just how often do you have to give your placenta a salt bath? Because let’s face it, as a new Mom you barely have time to bathe yourself, let alone something that’s dying in an overpriced bag.

Uggh. I could go on and on and on about how much I really am not into this idea, but I have to stop before I get even more nauseated. I’m sure there are some who will completely disagree with me, and I’m sure there are some who will send me hate mail. That’s fine, we are all entitled to our opinions, this is simply mine. That’s the wonderful thing about giving birth. You have the choice to do it your way with whatever method you feel is best for you and your baby. But no matter what you say, I’m sure as hell going to stick to doing it my way!

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The Royal Baby is Coming! Do princesses poop on the delivery table?

David Cameron will puff out his red cheeks for a royal baby-1512782

It’s hard not to think of questions like this when all you hear everywhere you turn is “Oh my God! Kate Middleton is in labour!”.

The way the press is acting, you’d think no other woman on the planet had ever given birth to a child before. Though I digress, not all of us get to do it in style like she does. I mean, did you hear what her birthing suite is costing her? From one source I read it costs her $9,450 for one night, and an extra $3,318 per additional day they stay. Apparently they plan to stay for three days, so that adds up to (from what my crappy math skills tell me) roughly $15, 085!

Are you effing kidding me? From what I’ve gathered, they were both brought up well. They’ve both travelled to far away places to help those less fortunate than themselves build adequate housing and the likes. So $15,085 for a birthing suite?

Please tell me that birthing table is made of solid gold. But why would it be? I mean with the afterbirth, blood, and possible poop, why would they make it of gold?

Wait, what am I thinking. Princesses can’t possibly poop. That’s far too pedestrian an act.

And heaven forbid the poor woman want to scream, or curse, or hit someone, or tell everyone to shut the hell up. I mean you have to feel for her. It’s going to hurt giving birth to a baby that will come out fully clad with a crown and scepter.

And privacy? Why the hell would she ever be entitled to that?!

And what about this poor baby? This kid is going to come into this world with such high expectations placed upon him/her. It won’t ever be able to poop either, let alone scream, throw a tantrum, pick up dirty things from the ground and see what they taste like, stick a finger up his/her nostril to go nose mining, or finger paint with his/her meals and make a mess. How exactly do you train a toddler to act royally?

And just how offended would Great-Granny the Queen be if said baby decided to power puke all over her shoulder whilst she’s wearing the crown jewels? Would the baby have to curtsey or bow as he/she apologizes? What if they’re all standing on the same balcony they stood on after their wedding, they raise Royal Baby into the air just as Rafiki does to Simba in the Lion King, and the kid decides to power puke/power poop for the entire world to see? How do you recover from that, Princess?

I present to you, our new Prince/Princess of Power Puke!

I present to you, our new Prince/Princess of Power Puke!

In all seriousness though, I do wish her the best. Giving birth is never an easy task no matter who you are. I imagine it is made no easier when the entire world is wanting to know every detail, like how long the labour was, did she need stitches, did she poop on the table, will she breastfeed, did she need an epidural, etc.

At least one member of the Royal Family is taking things in stride and with a sense of humour. I read the following tweets from Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) today:

1) “Prince William’s heir is falling out!” #royalbaby

2) “Camilla has been busily knitting baby clothes. The last thing one needs is another naked Royal in the newspapers”. #royalbaby

AMAZING! He may not be the best looking fella in the world, but that’s the kind of humour I can get behind!

3

“You think you know pain?”

So when I first saw this video, I thought to myself “Aww how sweet. These men want to get an idea of what their wife/mother went through when they gave birth. What a sweet gesture”. I guess it is a sweet gesture. Do you know what would make it sweeter? If it were more realistic.

I have a few thoughts on this. Will I get some flack for my opinions? Maybe. Am I going to be opinionated anyway? Yep!
1) So I guess these men did the simulated labour for one hour. They clearly couldn’t handle much more. ONE. HOUR. Seriously? I don’t know a single woman whose labour only lasted one hour. Try 47 hours, then we’ll talk.
2) The best line – “Don’t talk to me right now”. Yep. That’s about it. Don’t fucking try to talk to me during that pain lol.

3) So that’s the contractions…what about the delivery? Any way to simulate pushing another human out of yourself? Cause that doesn’t feel like unicorns and glitter and happiness and rainbows.

4) What about the poor women who get ripped to shreds? Yeah that doesn’t feel pretty either.

All in all – nice gesture, but it isn’t even a taste of what we go through. If someone can develop a simulation for how it feels to get kicked in the nuts (which I’m told is “the worst”), I’ll gladly volunteer so that I can confirm what I’m pretty sure I already know – it’s got nothing on childbirth.