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I’m a hypocrite. Can I change?

For you to know what I mean by this, I suppose you need some history.

I used to dance 6 days a week, and was quite fit. Never super skinny, but I was strong. I could eat like a horse and it didn’t affect me in the slightest. When I was in my third year of University, I had a lateral meniscal tear in my left knee that left me unable to dance anymore. It was pretty devastating to me, and I required surgery. They did a repair rather than a removal, which meant I could bear no weight on my leg whatsoever for nearly two months while undergoing extensive physiotherapy.

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It was damaging physically, but mentally as well. I wasn’t nearly as mobile as I used to be.

 Two and a half years later, I was living in Seoul, South Korea. I had recovered from my surgery and forgotten about favouring it for quite some time. I decided to join in a trip to participate in a giant paintball fight on the side of a small mountain. Rugged terrain, camo gear, paintball guns and tactical manoeuvers had me in the zone. I went to make a sudden dive and crouch to get away from an attack and I felt it. Rip, tear, lock. Same knee. Same spot. I was in rural South Korea on the side of a mountain, nowhere near the buzzing metropolis of Seoul where I knew there were Canadian and US trained orthopaedic surgeons at major University Hospitals to look after me without a language barrier.

Thanks to a dear Korean friend of mine and her amazing parents who drove to the middle of no man’s land to pick me up at a small town country hospital, I made it back to Seoul and to better care. After two weeks, the swelling went down and my knee unlocked on it’s own and I made it back home to Canada to consult with my own surgeon again. It required a second surgery – a partial meniscal removal, and I found myself with an even bigger mental block.

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Obviously, I could never be physically active again. My knee couldn’t hande it, and I had set my mind to that.

The result? It’s 5 years and one baby later, and I’m big. Not just big. I am overweight for sure. I’m afraid to get physically active and it’s taken a toll on me. I don’t care about getting skinnier per say, but I do hope to get my health back (without having to sacrifice the occasional chocolate craving for sanity’s sake).

So how does any of this make me a hypocrite, you ask?

Well, I work in a multidisciplinary health clinic which offers chiropractic, massage therapy, physiotherapy, naturopathic medicine, a registered dietitian, and an osteopath among other services. I preach good health and physical activity to the patients who come in to my workplace every day, but I’m not a good example of such. I praise the Registered Dietitian I work with daily, but am too afraid to work with her myself as I know it will mean having to be vulnerable, accountable, and honest about my size and how I got here. This actually TERRIFIES me.

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So here’s my challenge, and how I hope to overcome being a hypocrite. On August 20th, I’ve set up my first initial consult with her. I have told her I plan to blog about it – the process, the hang-ups and hurdles I face, my embarrassments, my failures and my successes, recipes that I’ve tried, what I learn from it, and what I achieve from it. She’s highly encouraging and thinks it’s a wonderful idea, but I’m still a big scaredy pants. Change is scary, even though I know it is for the better. My plan is to make this challenge a separate series of sorts to my blog, that I plan to title “Hypocritical Health Hurdles”.

So, my virtual friends, I’m telling you all about this now so I can’t back out. So that I’m accountable for someone other than myself, because I fear if I only have be accountable to me, I’ll fail myself.

I don’t necessarily long to be skinnier, but I do long to be healthier.

I know my L deserves that from me.

I think I might, too.

Don’t forget to like How to Ruin a Toddler’s Day on Facebook. It just might get interesting as I start this hypocrite challenge!
https://www.facebook.com/howtoruinatoddlersday