If you’re a huge fan of the Elf on the Shelf, let me stop you right now and tell you that you shouldn’t read any further in this post. I might make you angry when I start talking about all the reasons why that creepy little f*&%er will not ever be stepping foot into my home.
I don’t know how to say this nicely, so I’ll just have to say it. I hate that stupid friggin’ Elf on the Shelf. Hate, hate, hate! To say he is creepy is the understatement of the year. I mean look at the guy – I just can’t look at any picture of it and think it’s cute. It’s not cute. It’s a creepy Elf sent to spy on you. What the hell is cute about that?
Hell no. Never in my house.
Whatever happened to those good old traditions where we are taught that Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good regardless of some lame-ass Elf who does nothing except create more work for Mom and Dad. That’s right, more work! Because in the month leading up to Christmas that’s exactly what I need – one more thing to stress about every night. God forbid I forget one night and don’t move the creepster to a new location and my kid thinks the Elf is dead or lost it’s magic, etc. I don’t need the added stress of somehow messing up this Elf tradition and having my kid think the Elf is no longer magical. No way. I will not be an Elf murderer, no matter how terrifying the little guy is.
I mean I get it. Some people love it and think it’s a cute little Christmas tradition that makes memories for their kids. That’s wonderful. But it’s the overachieving Mom’s who have completely exploited this Elf into being nothing more than an overpriced commercialized piece of garbage that make me mad. “Oh my Elf decided to make cookies last night and left baking mess everywhere”, or “Oh my goodness, look the elves must have had a marshmallow fight last night. Look the marshmallows are everywhere”, or “Look at that, did you know Elves bathe in glitter? Look at him in the glitter bath!” – these are prime examples of why I hate this thing. That’s not creating a Christmas memory – it is creating a damn mess. I can pretty much guarantee you that this little creepy Elf doesn’t clean up after himself, so you can add cleaning up stupid Elf shit every day to the list of things Mommy doesn’t have time for.
It is called “The Elf on the Shelf” – not “The Elf drinking beer” or “The Elf taking Barbie for a joy ride” or “The Elf who leaves peanut butter hand prints all over the counter top”. THE ELF ON THE SHELF! Why the hell can’t he stay on the shelf where he belongs? Why do we have to overdo everything. Why do we constantly have to “out-do” every other mother out there?
Speaking of that, thanks a lot overachieving Mom’s for making your elves do such stupid stuff all the time. So now when my kid gets older and realizes there’s no elf in my house, I’ll have to try and tactfully explain that Santa knows whether she’s good or bad without an overpriced creepy elf watching her every move. That Mommy doesn’t think the spirit of Christmas involves spending nearly $40 on a toy which is purely marketed towards parents who want to use Elf spying as a parenting clutch for good behaviour. But all she’ll know is that magic elves visit all of her friends houses, and not hers. Crap.
So when December 26th rolls around and the Elf goes away, then what happens? The parenting clutch is gone and your kid won’t have the fear of lack of presents from Santa to stop them from behaving poorly. They haven’t REALLY learned anything about behaving better throughout the year, only during that short stint up until Christmas so they can ensure they get a crap load of gifts. Sounds like the right kind of Christmas spirit, doesn’t it?
So when you’re removing all of the Christmas ornaments from your tree tonight, all for the sake of “Oh my goodness, look what mischief the little elf did? He took the ornaments away!”, ask yourself if it’s really worth it or are there other, much less commercialized ways you could be making holiday memories with your kids.