I’m a hypocrite. Can I change?

For you to know what I mean by this, I suppose you need some history.

I used to dance 6 days a week, and was quite fit. Never super skinny, but I was strong. I could eat like a horse and it didn’t affect me in the slightest. When I was in my third year of University, I had a lateral meniscal tear in my left knee that left me unable to dance anymore. It was pretty devastating to me, and I required surgery. They did a repair rather than a removal, which meant I could bear no weight on my leg whatsoever for nearly two months while undergoing extensive physiotherapy.

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It was damaging physically, but mentally as well. I wasn’t nearly as mobile as I used to be.

 Two and a half years later, I was living in Seoul, South Korea. I had recovered from my surgery and forgotten about favouring it for quite some time. I decided to join in a trip to participate in a giant paintball fight on the side of a small mountain. Rugged terrain, camo gear, paintball guns and tactical manoeuvers had me in the zone. I went to make a sudden dive and crouch to get away from an attack and I felt it. Rip, tear, lock. Same knee. Same spot. I was in rural South Korea on the side of a mountain, nowhere near the buzzing metropolis of Seoul where I knew there were Canadian and US trained orthopaedic surgeons at major University Hospitals to look after me without a language barrier.

Thanks to a dear Korean friend of mine and her amazing parents who drove to the middle of no man’s land to pick me up at a small town country hospital, I made it back to Seoul and to better care. After two weeks, the swelling went down and my knee unlocked on it’s own and I made it back home to Canada to consult with my own surgeon again. It required a second surgery – a partial meniscal removal, and I found myself with an even bigger mental block.

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Obviously, I could never be physically active again. My knee couldn’t hande it, and I had set my mind to that.

The result? It’s 5 years and one baby later, and I’m big. Not just big. I am overweight for sure. I’m afraid to get physically active and it’s taken a toll on me. I don’t care about getting skinnier per say, but I do hope to get my health back (without having to sacrifice the occasional chocolate craving for sanity’s sake).

So how does any of this make me a hypocrite, you ask?

Well, I work in a multidisciplinary health clinic which offers chiropractic, massage therapy, physiotherapy, naturopathic medicine, a registered dietitian, and an osteopath among other services. I preach good health and physical activity to the patients who come in to my workplace every day, but I’m not a good example of such. I praise the Registered Dietitian I work with daily, but am too afraid to work with her myself as I know it will mean having to be vulnerable, accountable, and honest about my size and how I got here. This actually TERRIFIES me.

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So here’s my challenge, and how I hope to overcome being a hypocrite. On August 20th, I’ve set up my first initial consult with her. I have told her I plan to blog about it – the process, the hang-ups and hurdles I face, my embarrassments, my failures and my successes, recipes that I’ve tried, what I learn from it, and what I achieve from it. She’s highly encouraging and thinks it’s a wonderful idea, but I’m still a big scaredy pants. Change is scary, even though I know it is for the better. My plan is to make this challenge a separate series of sorts to my blog, that I plan to title “Hypocritical Health Hurdles”.

So, my virtual friends, I’m telling you all about this now so I can’t back out. So that I’m accountable for someone other than myself, because I fear if I only have be accountable to me, I’ll fail myself.

I don’t necessarily long to be skinnier, but I do long to be healthier.

I know my L deserves that from me.

I think I might, too.

Don’t forget to like How to Ruin a Toddler’s Day on Facebook. It just might get interesting as I start this hypocrite challenge!
https://www.facebook.com/howtoruinatoddlersday

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30 thoughts on “I’m a hypocrite. Can I change?

      • You’re going to do great. My husband and I did the Whole 30 Challenge for a month. And it wasn’t the funnest – sometimes it was downright ugly. But as we kept going, one day at a time, we felt better about what we were doing. You can do it, too! And it might be one day at a time, but that’s still a day that you got it right. 🙂 Good luck, my friend!

  1. I love that you are going to use your blog as your place to share everything about this challenge! We’ll be here cheering you on. We won’t laugh (unless you want us to) 😉 I agree with Ashley: You can do it!!

  2. Good luck! She’ll probably just out you on clean eating and let me tell you, it works! Eat clean and you will never look back. It’s tasty, healthy and easy once you have a few recipes up your sleeve. 🙂

  3. You could have been describing my story just now (except my knee problems stemmed from a netball injury)! I have been thinking of blogging about my weight loss journey for a while now too, in order to keep myself accountable. Thank you for giving me the push I needed. Good luck Mumma!

  4. You can do it, it’s a state of mind. I lost the 60# I gained 4 times with 4 babies. Well, still working in the last 5# from baby 4. Do you like yoga? One thing I do when it seems too much is a tiny goal like 10 push-ups a day. Good luck!

    • I’ve tried yoga once but the teacher spent more time preaching theory than teaching anything so I stopped. I know I wouldn’t do well in a gym because it is too intimidating. I think I would do well in a class setting though as it would be like dance class again. Or walking…I love our family walks.

  5. I just got home tonight from my parents’ house and had a long discussion with my dad about the Paleo “lifestyle”, as he puts it. My goal is the same as yours: I want to be healthy. I’m probably going to be taking on this challenge so you aren’t alone!

  6. Good luck..one day at a time! I’ll be starting some changes next week too since my daughter will start school and I will have a bit more time to focus on myself and exercise.It’ll be hard at times but I bet you will feel so good in no time. xo

  7. First off your not a hypocrite! NOT! I am an x athlete as well and asthma 2 kids and a CRAP childhood have left me FLABBY AND ENORMOUS. And I can SAFELY say that maybe for us X’es we need more help. First off when we try to get back to it we work TO hard and burn out selves out! I think we need to relearn how to work out. Redefine it! And not just mentally athelets are used to muscle memory and maybe our BRIAN muscle is like RUN 50MILES and do 10,000 sit ups! GO!!! And that’s just not how you have sustained health! It’s how you wreck your body! SO your NOT alone and hope this helps you and when I feel bad about my fat please forward this to me!!!

    • That’s exactly what I find difficult. I’ve toyed with the idea of getting back into dance, and even took one adult class.

      It killed me that my body couldn’t keep up with what my brain remembered I could do. It killed me that I wasn’t “advanced” anymore, when in my head I know what I used to be and mentally I still think I should be able to do.

      It’s awful, and discouraging right from the get-go.

      I’ll definitely keep you posted on how it turns out! 🙂

      • I found a solution! I have yet to find something I like but… I think I may have the answer….. ready….
        You can’t dance anymore if it’s for exercise. Hear me out!
        OK so the only way to go and NOT kill your self is to do something you know NOTHING about! That way we can’t be know it ALL”s We have to start over! So I decided to try rowing.
        We’ll see!
        YES keep me posted!!

  8. Pingback: Hypocritical Health Hurdles – the 2nd visit. | How To Ruin A Toddler's Day

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