The things we do for our kids. The things we watch for our kids.
Some of the TV shows we subject ourselves to are enough to drive even the most sane of individuals into voluntarily seeking a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Some of these shows are so bad, that they drive me to the brink of a meltdown. If I end up going nuts from watching these shows, can I really be held accountable? I find it hard to believe that some people are actually paid to come up with some of the shit that is put out there for kids to watch nowadays.
Kids shows used to be good! For example, the Strawberry Shortcake of yesteryear was actually good. There were bad guys: The Peculiar Purple Pieman and Sour Grapes! Now, there are no bad guys. Just animated sweetness that my kid is OBSESSED WITH! Every day all we hear over and over again is “Cake? Cake!!!!!” as she picks up the DVD case and tries to shove it into our XBox 360 herself to make it play.
But this show, as mind numbingly repetitious as it has become to me, isn’t on my list of shows I loathe the most. Yes my friends, I have a list! Want to hear it? Well tough. You’ve made it this far, so you might as well keep reading! My top 5 list of the stupidest, most god awful, you must be on drugs to understand where this is coming from, make me want to blow my brains out kids shows is what’s on the agenda for today!
Here we go – buckle in and enjoy the ride.
5) Dora the Explorer:
She’s made the list for the pure fact that she creeps the hell out of me. Does this kid ever blink?! Oh wait, now I’m being insensitive. Clearly she doesn’t blink because she’s blind. It’s the only explanation for how she manages to not see that the goddamned Rainbow Mountain is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! Then there’s that Swiper, guy. What is up with that? If stopping someone from stealing your things/mugging you were as easy as repeating over and over and over again “Swiper, no swiping!” then the world would have a lot less crime in it. Oh and her map? That creepy map that leaps out at the screen? That makes my kid cry every single time. It’s gotten to the point that she now knows that it’s coming, and will turn away or run from the room. That says enough on its own.
4) Yo Gabba Gabba:
Every time I watch this show, I’m reminded of a little Canadian commercial that was on when I was a child. It had a catchy jingle that went like this: “Drugs, drugs, drugs. Which are good, which are bad? Drugs, drugs, drugs. Ask your Mom or ask your Dad!”. Yep. Whoever came up with this shit-show of show was definitely on the bad kind of drugs (or the good ones?). I mean, props to DJ Lance for having enough confidence in his masculinity to rock that orange jumpsuit every day. But my God, this show makes me feel like I’m in some kind of drug-induced episode of the twilight zone. And what kind of creatures are these things supposed to be anyway? There’s the cat looking one, the flower looking one, the robot, the monster under the bed, and the dildo? Come on, you thought the same thing. There’s no way that knobby red thing isn’t supposed to represent a “bumpy, for her pleasure” hand held pleasuring device. Who writes this stuff?
3) Bubble Guppies:
The Bubble Guppies. These guys make the list for a few reasons. For one, they have the most ANNOYING SONGS EVER! For two, I always find myself feeling bad for the Ginger guppy. Ever notice that he’s NEVER happy? Even in this pic – not smiling. Also, nine times out of ten he’s the kid who gets the shitty lunch. Not cool, Bubble Guppies, not cool. Plus, the whole show is nothing but scientific impossibilities! A Bubble puppy? Fail. Having the sun, and sky, and stars, under water with them? Fail. Having other creatures under water with them who are magically able to breathe? Fail. I really hate this show.
2) Max and Ruby:
Max and Ruby. Ruby and Max. Never Max and Ruby and THEIR PARENTS. Where are their parents? Grandma comes to visit once in a while, but there has to be some serious neglect going on here. I believe Ruby is supposed to be 7, and Max, 3. Who the hell lets a 7 year old babysit? No wonder Ruby is always such a bitch – she’s on a power trip! When coming up with names for my sweet L, my top two names were the one we gave her, and Ruby. Then someone told me “Ohhhh no. Go watch this show before you decide”. Thank God they did. One episode in, and my mind was made up. No way I was naming my kid after that bunny.
And my number 1 worst kids show of all time is…
Are you really that surprised?
This kid makes me ashamed to say I was created in the same country he was. I’ve never wanted to smack any kid before, until I watched an episode of this show. Let’s start with the theme song. You’re sick of Caillou before you even watch the show because he says his own name like 5.4 billion times in a row! Shut up, Caillou, or this Mama is going to lose it!
This kid is a prime example of bad behaviour. That kid is so friggin’ spoiled. He needs the whine whooped out of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day his Daddy went off to work or to fetch dinner and just never came back. Who would blame him really? His kid is a brat, and his wife wears the same goddamned clothes every day. You know that doesn’t smell too good.
Plus why is he bald at 4 years old?! The creators of the show are rumored to have said that it makes him more relatable to every kid if he is bald. Umm, nope. Fail. I don’t know many bald four year olds, unless they are sick, and I don’t think there’s ever been a “Caillou has alopecia” or “Caillou gets chemotherapy” episode. I feel awful even mentioning sick kids, because having a sick kid is NEVER funny. But neither is Caillou. Ever.
Why does he never get disciplined! If my kid was that much of a whiny ass-hat every single day, she would get a serious talking to, or a time-out, or SOMETHING. This kid – nothing. Oh and guess what? If your kid sees Caillou whine and complain and get away with it, guess what they are going to do? Whine and complain! Worst example ever! I get it, all 4 year olds have tantrums or get upset. Really there’s nobody to blame here except Caillou’s parents. Calling them enablers is the understatement of the century. Can’t wait to see the way he behaves in the teenage years.
And the narrator. Kill me now because captain obvious is about to say something AGAIN. “Caillou is sad”, “Caillou doesn’t like that Rosie got a new toy and he didn’t”, “Caillou made Mommy think about all the different ways she could kill herself”. Woops, there I go again, projecting my emotions onto an animated character. That kid is a bastard and he gets the best of me.
Yes, I just called a cartoon character a bastard. Yes, I feel that strongly about it. No, I won’t apologize for it. Needless to say, Caillou is banned from the television in my house.
So let me have it. What are the worst of the worst in your books? What kids TV shows drive you up the wall?