“Come on bladder, what’s a Mom got to do to sleep through the night?”

You know the routine. Your kid is finally in bed. You’ve had a couple of  hours of silence (that’s if this is one of those lucky nights that they actually stay asleep) and you are more than ready to pack it in for the night. You’ve done your time, so your crossing every single finger and toe on all of your appendages to just get one solid night of sleep before you’re hit with mayhem in the morning.

So you pee. You really make sure that you try and get out every damn drop, cause stuff just isn’t the same after you’ve pushed out a kid. It doesn’t, shall we say, “bounce back”. You brush your teeth. You wash your face. (Aww hell who am I kidding, most nights I’m too damn tired and lazy to wash my face. I just wake up in the morning and say “shit, there’s another pimple cause I’m too lazy to make the effort at that time of night). Then, if you’re like me,  you try and pee AGAIN because usually, there’s just another little tinkle in there that didn’t manage to sneak out.

That should do it, right? Two damn pee’s before you hit the hay.

Now I’m lucky, people say. My kid sleeps through the night now. I should be happy and well rested in the mornings, yes?


My bladder has another thing in mind. I’m up at least twice every night to empty the pipes. Can you say drain the lizard if you’re a girl? That sounds way more epic and cool than empty the pipes.

So I get up. I make my way to the bathroom (with eyes half open and full of those little sleep crusties), and pee. By the time I’m done peeing, I’m too asleep too do anything productive, but too awake to fall immediately back to sleep. So I check my kid to make sure she’s still breathing (chest goes up, chest goes down). I check my email, cause wtf else do you do at 230 in the morning? I lie on the couch and hope to fall back asleep.

Oh wait, there we go, I think I’m going to fall asleep! So I rush back to bed, push my fiance out of the way because God forbid he try to take over any of the bed in my absence. I need 75% of the width of that bed. I’m a sprawler, and I’m mean about it. I don’t know how he puts up with me.

Fast forward to about 5am and we’re on repeat! Up, pee, check kid is alive, check email, wander back to bed, push fiance, try to sleep.

Then the kid gets up between 530 and 7am. If I’m lucky it is 7am. If I’m lucky, it’s only been a two pee night.

They say kegels (is that even how you spell it?) helps with this. Bullshit. It doesn’t. It also doesn’t help with the after effects of super sneeze or colossal cough. Enough said.

I’m too young for depends, but some nights I wonder if it’d be worth it to just sleep through the night.


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