“No, you can’t wear Mommy’s underwear around your neck out in public.”

That simple sentence = day ruined for a toddler.

Wait a minute. How the hell did she get into my underwear drawer in the first place? Aww shit. Those aren’t even clean.

I always told myself that when I have a kid, I’d be the type of mom who fosters self-expression. That I wouldn’t try to stifle her creativity, or force her to bend to accepted social norms. But seriously, my underwear around your neck? Couldn’t you have found a scarf or something? I have to draw the line somewhere. I can handle that you like to wear sand buckets on your head like a hat, and that you have this crazy affinity for putting stickers on every piece of bare skin you can find. But people might start to question mommy if we are walking around the grocery store and you’ve got dirty panties draping around your neck like a scarf. I know they are pink and you think that’s “pretty”, but trust me, those aren’t pretty panties. Eww… I can’t believe I just wrote the word “panties” that many times. I might just throw up a little.

As if we weren’t already running late this morning, now I have to go wash your neck.

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